


No Place in Heaven

by ZigguratRolsovitch



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Archaeologist Han Solo, Attempted Sexual Assault, Bullying, Catholic School, Catholicism, Child Abuse, Dark fic, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, HEA, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, It is now, Pay attention to the tags, Plutt is a creepy drunk, Priest Ben Solo, Priest Luke Skywalker, Priest Snoke, Professor Ben Solo, Professor/priest mesh up, Recovery, Religious Guilt, Senator Leia Organa, Sexual Abuse, Soft Ben Solo, because we need more of that, but none of it between reylo, figurative guardian angel Ben Solo, is that a thing?, not sure how to tag this one, read the tags, soft reylo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 18:04:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 47,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20821541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZigguratRolsovitch/pseuds/ZigguratRolsovitch
Summary: At a young age Rey sees something that no child's prying eyes should ever see which impacts not only her life, but the life of one Ben Solo who slowly becomes her best friend, teacher and guardian angel, but if angels exist then so do demons and if the scarred priest named Snoke had his way he would see to it that the world and everything in it burned in hellfire.





	1. The Gargoyle Priest

**Author's Note:**

> Please be mindful of the tags as there is a brief sexual abuse scene described in as little detail as possible, but may still be enough to cause great discomfort.

  
  
  
  
**Moab, Utah.**  
  


The Gold Knob overlook that had mysteriously been sold off and purchased by the equally mysterious Luke Skywalker was now home to a massive Cathedral. And in the eyes of Rey Nimma it just so happened to be the most beautiful place in the entire world and nobody could tell her otherwise.

While it might be intimidating to drive up to on a stormy day once one reached it the view was breathtaking and every Sunday her foster father Unkar Plutt would bring her and she loved every minute of it.

From pulling up and seeing all the shades of colorful flowers that someone had taken to plant in front of the Cathedral, some colors that she never even knew existed in flowers, all the way to the big, tall wooden doors that she thought must have been built for giants. It was obvious. What other explanation could there be?

The Cathedral itself was amazing and she wondered how people had managed to build something like this or what artists had carved out the beautiful angels that stood like guardians over the doors and yet it was in such a very strange contrast with the scary gargoyles that sat up on top of the Cathedral.

At the doors the priest was greeting people and everyone was all smiles.

Children were running and playing with their siblings or other children... sometimes even their own parents played with them. Glancing up at Plutt in that moment Rey knew that she would never have that with him. He wasn't her father. It was just some stranger that she lived with who occasionally fed her and made her come to Church so that he could scare and threaten her with hellfire if she didn't obey him.

That joke was on him of course. She loved it. She loved learning and the beauty of it all and the colors... oh the colors.

Those colors really came to life when stepping in through the doors when one considered the big stained glass windows that lined the church. Each one telling a story. Each one filtering in hues of blues and in some places produced tiny little rainbows which, could at the right time of day be held in one's hand.

The massive pillars reached up and up and up to the ceiling that seemed so high that she sometimes wondered if perhaps clouds could be seen floating through.

And even there the little rainbows from the stained glass dotted the pillars and arches with angels carved into them and sometimes she wished that she could reach up that high because those ones just seemed that much more special being as high up as they were. The things that you couldn't reach though... they always seemed more special.

When the bells rang up in the towers most people finally finished filing into the Cathedral with only soft murmurs that were quieted in respect of the house of God and the sermon about to begin.

"Rey!" Maz approached her, held out her hands to take hers and smiled at her. "How was your week?"

Maz. She was the kindest woman here. The organist for the Cathedral. She always had a smile for her and Rey thought that if she had a grandmother that it would be someone like Maz.

"It was okay, but I missed Church." Rey responded, shifting and once again taking a look up to the ceiling and the colors and just taking it all in. "And your music too!"

Maz chuckled softly and patted Rey's head kindly.

"You're welcome to play my organ any time, Maz." Plutt gave a slow curling smirk towards her and Rey watched the way Maz's face changed to something that she recognized as disgust, but Rey was for her good fortune... at a loss.

"But... we don't have an organ at the junkyard." She tried to remind her foster father they had no such thing, not having the slightest inkling of the nature of his words. For Rey's sake Maz cheered up and put on a smile.

"Make sure you come see me after Church. I have some fresh baked cookies for you to take home with you. Fatten you up, little girl." Maz smiled and pinched her cheek and Rey scowled, but perhaps was happy to receive any attention even if she would never admit to it aloud.

Plutt urged her to get into her seat while he himself struggled to even fit in between the pews because he was so big. There were a few curses uttered that should never be uttered in church as he managed to finally plop down with a great deal of groaning and cries of protest from the wooden pew beneath him.

One woman looked behind her, eyes wide and then quickly shot her gaze forward again. Not a word was uttered, but words were spoken by her expression.

Rey noticed that about people. They said a lot with their eyes when they didn't use their words.

Up in the front the head Priest Luke whom this very Cathedral was named after approached Maz and shook her hand, sharing pleasantries before he stood aside and allowed her to start with the opening hymn.

Just as she was getting excited for the music about to start she heard a crash from down the hall and Rey glanced down that darkened hall... the only place where all the beautiful lights seemed to stop and only black shadows stood.

Strange how this entire Cathedral filled her with warmth and light, but when she looked down there it was like something evil was lurking there and she shivered as if a snail had just crawled down the back of her neck, cold and slimy.

Just as Maz began to play 'Nearer My God to Thee' Rey slid down from her seat and nobody noticed a child at such short stature while they all stood and began to sing their praise... with the exception of Plutt of course. For fairly obvious reasons.

His weight caused him issues. He could barely stand let alone walk. Even had to turn sideways to fit through a door. Rey used to giggle because it was funny, but the last time she did it earned her a black eye and she didn't dare attempt it again. She kept those moments to herself now.

Continuing down the hall she heard a sort of thumping sound from behind the half cracked door that reminded her of that old piece of junk washer that Plutt wouldn't replace. Rey heard people say Plutt was a cheapskate... whatever that meant.

Rey wondered if the Cathedral had a laundry room. That would make sense. How else did the priests keep their fancy robes so clean?

That theory disappeared when she heard a mysterious grunting accompanying the sound... a growling sound that made her think that somehow a wild animal most have gotten inside the Cathedral.

She looked back down the hall and still heard the music. Everyone was blissfully unaware that she had disappeared or that there appeared to be a wild animal running around in the Cathedral.

Curiosity as it was said killed the cat and Rey approached the door, glancing inside and could only see a little bit of the room and she moved a little to see better and it was then that she witnessed something that she had never seen before.

Not a laundry room.

There was a boy bend over the priest's desk and the priest stood directly behind him making some strange, repetitive movement behind the boy and she was quite shocked that the priest was the one that was making those animalistic grunts and growls.

It was the priest that seemed to be really enjoying whatever it was he was doing, while the poor boy held down against the desk under his hands whimpered from time to time, pathetic little sounds that he appeared to be struggling to hold his breath just to stop. The boy's hands clutched the desk so hard they had turned white.

But the look on his face reminded her sort of when the bored kids in the pews would be when daydreaming and not paying attention.

"You know, Benjamin I really miss... when you would cry out for your mommy..." As the priest said this he seemed to get rougher with the boy in whatever it was that he was doing to cause him pain and shoved his face down hard into the desk with his massive hand. It seemed to work because the boy let out a sound like a stifled sob.

Rey pushed the door open just a little more, but the door let out a loud creaking groan and alerted the two to her presence.

The priest quickly pulled back, dragged his pants up and then turned towards the door as he slowly started doing up his clothing. He was... terrifying to look at. A bald, scarred man that looked a lot more like a monster than a priest.

The boy however shook his head and seemed to snap out of whatever place he had been in when he saw her and he quickly reached down to get his own pants up and he was a lot quicker than the priest had been despite shaky hands.

"No, no! I'll take care of her... please..."

There was a tense moment that passed between the two of them and then finally the priest nodded and held out a hand for him to handle it.

The boy hurried over and grabbed a handful of her shirt near the shoulder and dragged her along with him, but not back to the sermon. He brought her along towards the stairs. A place that she had never before been... if she wasn't so afraid of what she had just seen she might have been thrilled to see a new place in the church.

As she was dragged up the stairs the boy forced her to sit down on the nearest bench on the second floor where the balcony overlooked the rest of the church and again she'd be thrilled because she was so much closer to those forbidden window rainbows that she had wanted to reach before.

She looked up at the boy and upon seeing his face noticed the dark bruising around his eye as he ran a hand through his messy hair. Then with a sigh and began to pace back and forth. Plutt did that when he was angry and didn't know what to do with her... she guessed this boy must be feeling the same as Plutt.

Finally he dropped to sit down next to her and looked over at her. He smelled like blood and sweat and something else.

"You can't... tell anyone what you saw." He informed her softly. It shocked her that he wasn't screaming in a rage like Plutt usually did when she saw something she wasn't supposed to see or did something he didn't want her doing. She guessed that it meant he wasn't going to hit her at least.

"Oh." Was really all that she could think to say in that moment. What else should she say to this boy? She hadn't even understood what it was the priest was doing, but... it looked like it had hurt?

"Oh?" He repeated and wasn't sure what to make of that. "You won't tell anyone? You can't tell them... nobody can ever know about this... you have... secrets that nobody knows about right?"

"I guess." Rey replied, swinging her legs and taking a look around the balcony as she had never before been up here.

"You have to promise me... promise you won't tell. Snoke will hurt you if you tell someone... and I don't... want him... to hurt you." His voice took on a harder nature and now it sounded a little more like something Plutt would say... except he said that he didn't want that to have to happen, but sometimes Plutt said he didn't want to hurt her too... except he did like to hurt her. He smiled when he did.

"I won't tell anyone." She was most certainly not looking forward to any sort of punishment and so she wouldn't say a word. There were plenty of things Plutt made her keep quiet about so she was used to it.

"Okay... okay... good." The boy licked his lips and again nervously ran a shaking hand through his hair.

Rey tore her gaze from the little rainbows dotting the balcony and up towards the boy's face once more. He looked very nervous and very afraid. It was strange because while he wasn't quite an adult... she wasn't used to seeing such fear on the face of someone his age.

"Did it hurt?" The question made him clench his fists up tightly and he gritted his teeth and looked like he was going to get really angry really fast, but then his chin quivered like he was going to start crying before he nodded.

"It's meant to hurt... Snoke said that it's my penance. I'm... I'm bad... I need... mortification of the flesh..." His mouth twisted up on one corner as he tried his best to explain it as he had been told.

"I don't think you're bad." Rey insisted, because he didn't seem bad. She didn't have any bad feelings from him, but for some reason her words seemed to make him start crying. She hadn't meant to make him cry with her words.

"Everyone else does... my parents... even uncle Luke."

Rey noticed one of those little window rainbows and she wondered if maybe she could make him feel better so she reached for his larger hand and took it between small ones, but he scowled and ripped his hand away from her.

"Don't touch me. I'm dirty." His voice came out bitter and there was that sudden forced out anger and the way that he looked like he might cry immediately after the anger shifted into something else again.

Of course Rey was stubborn and took his hand again, looked over it to inspect it for dirt, but they looked clean to her so she didn't understand what he was complaining about.

"No they're not. You even got under your nails. Plutt gets really mad when I don't clean all the grease out from under my nails before I sit at the table." She make him unclench his fist and stretched out his arm so that one of those little window rainbows filled his palm. "The Church is the only place you can hold a rainbow in your hands. I tried other places... like the sprinklers... but it didn't work."

She said it so matter-of-factly. Such a serious tone in someone so young very clearly surprised him and he shifted his gaze towards the colorful light coming through the windows and finally understood what she meant.

He spread his fingers out and let the light soak between them and there appeared to be a sense of calm that overtook him despite the the emotions that he had been wavering between earlier. Rey was glad it had worked.

Though how long they sat there together she wasn't sure. Not until she heard the ending hymn playing below the balcony and she stood up abruptly.

"Where are you going?" He questioned.

"I have to go or Plutt will leave me." She stated, hopping off the bench and starting towards the stairs.

The stairs and the hall were much longer than she had realized they were and she got a little lost here and there along the way and so by the time she rushed back out from the maze Rey realized that the place was empty. Everyone had left right after and Plutt kept his promise of leaving.

Rey sighed and lowered her head, because it meant that she had to walk home to the junkyard and she wasn't looking forward to that at all.

The footsteps behind her made her jump and she quickly glanced behind her, half expecting to see that scary, bald monster coming after her... only to see the boy from before approaching her.

He paused, tilted his head to one side and seemed to question with his eyes the fear that was very clearly on her face.

"It's okay. It isn't the first time he left me. I know my way home."

"Your father leaves you?" His voice rose in pitch and he seemed genuinely shocked while she wrinkled her nose in disgust at the suggestion of Plutt being her dad.

"He's not my dad. He just lets me live in his junkyard." That was what Plutt always said to her after all.

"What's your name?" He took a couple steps closer, but still lingered in the shadow of the hallway.

"Rey, but not Plutt. Nimma." The young girl beat around the bush a bit when it came to her last name. She certainly didn't want to use Plutt, but the real one wasn't much better.

"Ah, the junk boss is your..." There was a pause in his voice as he tried to think up the right word for it considering she didn't want him to be called her father. Unbeknownst to her he felt a very similar feeling towards his own. "I'm Ben... Solo."

"You don't like your last name either?" Rey could guess by the way he hesitated in saying his last name that he probably didn't like it just as she didn't like hers. What good was it carrying a street name because it was where she was found? It wasn't her real parents name.

"No..." After a moment he stepped out of the shadows of the darkened hallway and looked around to see that everyone most definitely was gone and she was here alone. "Let me take you home."

"I've been walking home by myself for a long time." Rey crossed her arms over her chest stubbornly and sent him her best glare.

"But today you attracted Father Snoke's attention... it's different... please?" He swallowed sharply and took a step closer to her, offering his hand for the first time, but clearly being hesitant in doing so.

And... at the thought of the way that scary looking priest Snoke made Ben cry she decided that maybe it would be a good idea to let him walk her home. Just this once as Plutt would always say.

So she reached up to take his hand and he started to lead her towards the door and then outside.

It was such a bright day and the birds sounded so happy, but Ben... despite all of this he seemed so sad still. She guessed that he must not feel very good if he had been hurt... sometimes after Plutt hit her the pain would last for a whole week.

Rey of course paused to get one more good look up at the beautiful carvings of the doorway before she left. In awe as always when she saw it and Ben took notice of her point of interest.

"It's called a tympanum." Ben explained, gesturing up. "That's the crucifix with Jesus in the front with his arms open to us... so the idea... is that you're being welcomed in by Christ who sits on top of the world. Every time you come into the Cathedral you're coming into Christ who is the universal salvation."

"Oh." Rey nodded as if she completely understood, but she didn't fully get it all. Perhaps the basic idea. "Plutt never tells me any of this stuff."

"I can be your teacher... if you want." He offered as he started walking again in the direction of the junkyard, still keeping her close.

"Really?" She was amazed, because nobody ever wanted to teach her and acted as if she was just some annoying little kid they wanted nothing to do with.

"Really." He affirmed.

The rest of the walk was quiet and before long Rey actually wished that she didn't have to go home and could spent more time with Ben learning about the Cathedral, but she was well aware that it couldn't happen. Plutt would be enraged if she stayed over night... she tried once.

She stopped at the big chain link gates and looked up at Ben for a long moment.

"Thanks, Ben."

"You're welcome." He didn't linger long although he did shift from one foot to the other several times before finally turning and leaving.

Rey pushed open one side of the gate to the junkyard, pushed it closed again and then made her way over to the old German half track that Plutt had stored in the yard. She didn't know how Plutt got it. She asked, but he never told her.

Regardless of where it came from it was what she called her home, because it was better than being in the house with Plutt. It hadn't been easy. Would have been far quick if she was just a little bigger, but once she had gotten the big heavy tarp over it to keep the rain off the place had really become home.

The soft padded seat she made into a bed and she hopped up onto it and reached for the small stack of comic books that she had managed to collect that people had thrown away.

But as she settled down with her comic book Rey couldn't help thinking back to Ben promising to teach her about the Cathedral and found that even the comic books weren't quite distracting her as they normally might and Plutt never did any work on Sundays or made her do any. Normally that would make her happy. Not today. Work made the days pass quicker.

Rey knew that the wait for next Sunday was going to be excruciating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter of a series of oneshots. It deals with some very dark themes.
> 
> I decided to tell it from her point of view as child would not understand and I wanted to get the point across without making people too upset, but also remaining true to abuse as it is a sickening thing. Not turning it into smut like some people do.
> 
> Secondly. I'm not a Catholic. I'm a Protestant so this story may be a bit offensive to Catholics. I did a lot of research to try to remain respectful. I'm not making an attack on Catholics. We just have different beliefs and I want to give a fair warning.
> 
> In my mind I kind of think of Jedi like the Catholic Church. I kind of wanted to make Yoda a Saint, but hesitated and it didn't make the cut as I felt it may be too offensive.
> 
> Last, but not least... I'm not even sure if I will continue. I don't know if this is too dark. I may even delete it.


	2. It Is Well With My Soul

Next Sunday had arrived after the most boring six days that Rey had ever experienced in her young life. It was as lively and as eventful as ever, but for some reason seemed even more so this time, perhaps because she was so excited.

As they made their way to the door Rey glanced up at the carving in the stone arch.

"Ben said that's called a t-tympanum." She informed although her pronunciation was quite off and Plutt just made a grunt as if he didn't care and Rey frowned and decided she probably shouldn't try to share her new knowledge with Plutt again.

Rey searched around the full room and it was surprisingly easy to spot Ben, because he was sitting there all alone in the very back of the Cathedral. Without bothering to ask Plutt she made her way over to sit with Ben instead.

This Sunday Maz picked 'It Is Well With My Soul' to start things off and so Ben stood up as everyone did however Rey noticed the way Ben glanced at her when she came so that she could sit next to him, but more than that... she noticed Snoke standing there in the corner as if he had been waiting to drag Ben off into that scary dark hallway so he could hurt him again.

She had always been a defiant child due to her circumstances of a foster parent like Plutt and so she reached over and took Ben's hand. She wouldn't let him get hurt. Not this time. 

Ben's gaze shifted over to her again for a moment once she took his hand before it returned back up to the altar in the front as he tried to pay attention and be respectful in Church. He sung much more quietly than everyone else did and she thought maybe he was a bit too embarrassed of the way he sounded in front of others, but Rey actually very much liked his singing voice.  
  
Once the song came to close and they were allowed to sit again the speaking part started and Rey had a really hard time following most of it herself and then finally there came that time where those bells rang and everyone stood and went up to the front to eat and drink. So she righted herself and headed up along with Ben and took a small piece and the priest raised a brow at her when she had come up to the front.

"Ah, you're joining us for communion little miss?" The priest smiled kindly at her behind that bushy grey beard.

"I was hungry." Rey mentioned with a little shrug and for some reason both Ben and the priest laughed quietly at her response, but didn't seem mad or upset with her and Ben even took her hand and led her back to sit once again.

It wasn't much longer after that the final prayer was said to end the day and people started clearing out. This time however Rey didn't bother to find Plutt, but stayed with Ben. Except she felt a bit nervous when the priest approached the two of them and leaned over the pews.

"Who's the girl, Ben?" He questioned, quite curious as he had not seen her before.

"Plutt's. He's been ditching her here, uncle Luke." Ben's tone was a bit strange as he did his best to try to make sense of it to his uncle and she thought perhaps there was a little fear in it. "Rey asked me the other day if I could teach her about the Cathedral. Would that be alright?"

"Well I don't see why not. Consider it part of your training." Luke responded and turned his attention back to her and there was a kindness in his eyes unlike most people. Real kindness. Sincere kindness. "How old are you?"

"Mmm..." Rey had to pause and think, because Plutt didn't celebrate her birthday and so it was sort of hard to remember. "Six."

"Six? And already taking communion like a big girl. Ben is sixteen, but sometimes I think he's still six."

"Uncle..." Ben groaned, pouted and sort of proved Luke's point.

"Just make sure you get her home before dark. See you around, kids. Don't do anything I wouldn't do... especially not going up to the tower and tempting the gargoyles... I lost my hand that way you know." Luke give a cheery smile to them both and waved with a clearly false hand as he departed and Rey's jaw dropped.

"He really did..."

"No. He lost it in the war. He just says that about something if he doesn't want you doing it because it's dangerous. He just doesn't want you to fall from all the way up there." Ben cleared his throat and then stood. "You said you were hungry?"

She nodded vigorously, because she hadn't gotten much to eat this week at all. Less than usual even so it was desperation that drove her up to the front for even something small.

So Ben led her into the back and opened up a door and Rey realized that it wasn't just a Cathedral, but there was a whole school at St. Luke's because she recognized lockers and hallways and classrooms just like on TV. This was something that she didn't know about.

"It's a school too?" Rey was truly amazed. "I wanted to go to school, but Plutt won't let me."

"He doesn't pay for your schooling?" Ben was again surprised she could tell. "Do you know how to read?"

"No, but I like to look at the pictures in the comic books that I have." She responded and heard him groan and watched him lean his head back as he sighed.

"I have my work cut out for me don't I?" He paused at the vending machines and Rey watched transfixed, because Plutt never allowed her to get anything out of these and she had always been curious. "This isn't the healthiest thing in the world... I'll bring you some lunch next time, okay?"

"You're going to fed me too?!"

"Easy on my ears, kid..." Ben was forced to cover his ears from that excited, high pitched screech that she had just emitted at the prospect of food. The moment he manage to get a couple bags of chips and some water for her he led her back to the Cathedral.

From there they sat down and he handed the chips and water over and looked around for awhile while she ate, really enjoying having food after so long without it.

"That stained glass window there," He gestured up towards the big round one and seemed to decide that he would teach her while she ate. "That's called the rose window because the way the panels are separated in that circle like the petals of a rose."

"Those are my favorite." Rey decided, because she loved the windows and the colored light that came out of them.

"The side windows are the mysteries of the rosary..." He gestured around them. "It starts with the angel with Mary... the birth of Jesus... they all tell stories.. parts from the Bible... and that big rose window... is Saint Cecilia... right above Maz's organ there see it? She's known for music."

"That makes sense." Rey nodded, taking it in 'like a sponge' as Plutt claimed when she got something mechanical right away. It was the only time Plutt was ever truly please with her. 

"Up there... in the center... see the paintings? The cross and the blue up above it. It represents the sky, the earth and the heavens all coming together. The Church is a sacred space." He turned in his seat and then he gestured around towards the actual building of the Cathedral. "The layout means something to. The Cathedral is in the shape of a cross... and the alter up in the front... that's the heart of the Church because the pouring out of God's love is from the heart."

"Oh." This was sort of confusing, but she guessed she got it. Except looking up to see his sincere smile as he explained it all made it worth it.

"See that chair up there? Behind the altar? That's a cathedra. Every Cathedral has one. That is what makes a Cathedral a Cathedral." He continued on in his teachings. It was quite a lot to take in, but interesting to her nonetheless considering it made him so excited to talk about all of it.

Though it was perhaps a bit more because of how he was excited to be teaching than how interested she actually was.

"As you already know... that's where Luke gives his sermons... that's the ambo." Ben stood up once he saw she was finished eating, gathered up the wrappers and gestured for her to come along with him. "Back here is where we keep the tabernacle... the uhhh... bread you had earlier..."

Rey thought that she liked this learning and not only because she was learning about the Cathedral, but because it was really cheering Ben up to talk about it. He had looked so sad earlier... it was almost unbearable to look at him when he looked that way.

"I can show you the Ambry too. That's where they keep all the holy oils." He paused and glanced around in thought. "Ah, there's the confessionals... but I'll explain that when you're older."

"Ben... how do you know so much?" Finally she decided to ask how in the world he knew as much as he did and she watched the way he stopped speaking and gave her an odd sort of look.

"My mother and my uncle want me to become a priest." He explained. "So I have to study."

"What do you want to do?" Her next question caught him off guard it seemed because his mouth opened and then shut immediately after without actually uttering a word.

"I uhm... nobody's ever asked me that before..." Ben looked around the Cathedral seeming to be in thought. Though after what seemed like a very long time of silence he cleared his throat finally. "I want to talk to Plutt about letting you go to school here..."

"Plutt said he won't pay money to a motherfucking, shit-mongering, goat fu-"

"Rey!" His voice came out scolding and she didn't quite know what she had done wrong that she had upset him. "You can't talk like that in a Church..."

"Like what?"

"Like... like that... those words. You can't say them here." He had been cringing before he took her hand and led her away from the back. "Does Plutt speak like that around you a lot?"

"Yup." Rey didn't see the problem, but she guessed that Ben really didn't like it and so she would try not to use the words Plutt liked to around him.

There was a sudden singular applaud and they both glanced over to see Snoke standing there and if rage was a person than Snoke would be it. He didn't look very happy. In fact he looked downright evil if one were fully honest.

"Well done my good and faithful apprentice... bringing this child into the fold..." Snoke acted as if he was pleased, but Rey could see right through it because something in her just knew that he wasn't good. "But you missed your penance this Sunday..."

"I-... I know... I'm sorry... I was just-"

"You were just?! You were JUST?!" Snoke's voice rose and Rey watched Ben flinch and lower his head. "How do you ever expected to be saved if you don't commit to your penance? Foolish boy."

"It won't happen again." Ben took a deep breath, shuddering breath and stared at the ground, didn't dare to raise his head. "I was just ensuring the girl wouldn't say anything... I had to be certain."

"Good. Good." Snoke stepped closer to Ben and reached out a hand to touch his face, though once again Ben flinched. "My boy... my good boy... you know I don't mean to hurt you, but you should stop making me so angry. This is the only way you can be saved. You want to be saved don't you?"

"Yes..." Ben's voice came out weak, broken and barely there.

Now Snoke turned his attention towards Rey and smiled down at her, but there were no traces of humor to that smile, but rather something much more sinister. The moment Ben saw the change in attention he quickly stepped between her and the monster. The way Snoke's face changed at the move of defiance really was like a monster or one of those ugly gargoyles atop the Cathedral.  
  
Raising an arm Snoke brought his hand back across Ben's face with a crack and a spray of blood that landed on her face, hand and her dress.

"I am the Vicar of Christ, boy! To deny me is to deny God Himself!"

Just as Snoke said these words a loud boom of thundered echoed through the Cathedral and a bolt of lightning struck the tower as if God himself protested Snokes words. They were engulfed in shadows now as the power had gone out with the only light now coming from a votive candle rack.

"Rey, go home." Ben stayed in between her and Snoke, giving her the time that she needed to run, but it felt wrong. It felt wrong leaving Ben all alone with that scary gargoyle. "GO HOME!"

At Ben's roar she ran. It scared her and she bolted like a terrified deer. Like she didn't have a choice, but to act on pure survival instinct. As she escaped from the Cathedral the big heavy doors slammed with a resounding boom in a grand final to what had been the most terrifying moment in her young life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The music for anyone interested. https://youtu.be/zY5o9mP22V0


	3. Unknown Hero

If Rey had thought that waiting six days before Church had been bad before due to her excitement then nothing could compare to how long six days were when they were filled with fearful thoughts.

The good thoughts. The ones she looked forward to last Sunday made the wait bearable... unlike this wait. There was fear that would clench up her gut at night when she tried to sleep and she wondered if Ben was dead. If that scary monster had killed him because of her.

Rey didn't even wait for Plutt to get out of the tow truck she just jumped out of it and rushed the doors, ignoring the haughty, rich parents that turned their nose up at her 'lack of manners' it wasn't important. Ben was important... and as she skidded to a stop she saw that his seat was empty.

He wasn't there.

That made her panic increase tenfold. She even rushed past Maz when the elderly woman approached her and went down that hallway from before. Perhaps the beast had him in his lair? Except she stopped halfway there and then she stared at the door and wasn't sure if she was brave enough to go inside... and after what felt like hours frozen in time she approached the door and reached out to push it open all the while her stomach felt as if it had flipped upside down.

The lair was empty.

It was then that the tears flooded her eyes and she was certain that Ben was dead. The one person in this whole world who cared to spend time with and teach her with was dead and it was all her fault.

"Rey?" A voice from behind her caught her attention even through her sniffles and she turned and looked up at the bearded priest from before. "Hey, what's the matter, kid?"

"Ben is gone... the monster ate him and it's all my fault."

"Monster?" Luke came to stand in front of her, reached down and gently placed a hand at her shoulder. "Is that what happened? You and Ben were playing around those gargoyles when I asked you not to weren't you?"

Rey simply sniffled, wiped at her eyes and didn't answer, but he took her silence as a yes as most adults seemed to when it came to these matters. Assuming guilt where there was none.

"Nothing is your fault. It was an accident. These things happen. Ben is just fine, kiddo. You want to come see him?" Luke offered and she looked up in shock at hearing it, but she didn't dare speak through tears and instead nodded, trying to clear her eyes. "Alright..."

"Luke?" Maz questioned from down the hall and Rey watched Luke hold a hand up.

"I have this. Please find the longest hymn you have to stall them a bit..." With those parting words Luke led her to another door... that same one Rey recalled had gone into before when Ben got her food.

That thought made her want to start crying again. He was the only one that ever gave her food like that in her entire life.

Further down the hall Luke stopped at a door and opened it up to reveal that this school had an infirmary and though at first as Rey stepped through the doors she didn't see Ben she soon realized that he was in bed behind these two people looming over him.

The man let out a whistle and removed his battered old brown hat. "You sure stepped in it this time, kid."

"I'm sorry..." Ben's voice came from behind them.

"Oh, Ben... it's alright. We're just glad you're alright." The woman said, reaching out and placing a hand on his shoulder.

"You know what..." The man placed his hat on top of Ben's head. "You can keep this. You always wanted it when you were a kid... and I think it's about time it was passed down."

"Really...?" Ben removed the hat and looked down at it in awe and then up at his gather with a grateful expression. "I... thank you..."

"I know how much you've wanted it..."

"Your fall scared us, Ben." The woman continued.

Luke cleared his throat and the group looked towards them and Rey felt even more nervous with all these eyes on her. Many eyes on her never felt good. She never liked that. It always meant trouble.

"Rey, these are Ben's parents. My... sister... Leia Organa and her husband Han Solo." Luke gave a kind smile and nodded towards them. "If you don't mind... I have a sermon to give... please continue to watch over her for me."

Once the door closed and Luke's friendly and familiar face was gone she felt even less comfortable because at least she knew him from all the sermons he gave, but these people? They were complete strangers to her and she had learned not to trust adult strangers. Adults were sneaky and dishonest and hid their intentions of wanting to hurt you. Not like kids. If a kid wanted to hurt you they would just push you over and be done with it. So Rey had learned to be very cautious around adults.

"Rey, you can come here." Ben's voice filtered through her thoughts and she looked over towards him, still not able to see him behind the adults, but she slowly skirted around them and then finally got a look at him.

His face had practically been split in two. A massive row of stitching that her eyes followed from above his right eyebrow all the way down his cheek, jaw and then down his neck and under his white T-shirt.

"The monster tried to eat you..." Rey slowly approached when he held his hand out for her and then reached up to take his hand. She knew that this had happened because he had protected her. "Because of me."

Her vision of him was obscured by tears and she could only see a blurry outline as he shifted and put his feet down on the floor so that he could learn forward closer to her. She felt rather than saw him wipe away some of the tears that rolled down her face.

"It isn't your fault." His voice came across very soft and quiet. Something about it and in the way that he said it that made her feel at ease. He didn't blame her at all like she feared that he might. Like Plutt would have. "Come here..."

He pulled her into something of a hug and she clung onto him like he was a life raft and she was stranded on the ocean like on of those scary movies she saw. Father Snoke was probably like one of those sharks when someone got cut on accident and bled in the water. Her thoughts were only interrupted when she heard the shuffle of the woman's shoe's as she laughed quietly.

"I think she has a crush on you, Ben."

"Mom..." Ben's voice for once sounded whiney... like the young boy that he really was and not whatever it was that the monster made him into.

"I take it this is the girl is you were mentioning." His mother continued on and Rey felt him nod. "I would be happy to sponsor a child into the academy. Education is so important at her age."

"What do you think, kid? You want to go to school?" The man's voice came across gruff and he didn't seem nearly as gentle as Ben so it was hard for her to imagine that this was Ben's father.

"It's alright. You don't have to answer right now." Ben reminded quickly. It took some of the pressure off her and helped her to think about it on her own terms.

"Do I get to go to school with you?" Rey questioned and he shifted a little.

"Sort of? We won't have the same classes, but... we'll be in the same building. It all connects... like a big square." He explained it to her and that made her decision for her.

"Then I want to go."

A nun entered her field of vision then and she had a cup and a small little white container in her hand which she held out to Ben and Rey watched as he took the pill inside of it and then washed it down with the glass of water.

The nun had a face that sort of reminded her of a frog and Rey had to struggle not to giggle because she knew that it wasn't polite to laugh at people and she didn't want to make the nun feel bad so she didn't dare.

Minutes after taking it he moved back up onto the bed and leaned back into the pillows with a quiet exhale, set the hat that his father had given him up on the corner of the bed and let it hang there.

"Would you like to come with us? That medicine is going to make Ben very sleep." Leia asked softly, but still Rey questioned their motives and didn't trust them.

They most certainly did not stand in between her and a gargoyle and get their face ripped in half for her.

"No." She had to stay here. Especially if he was going to sleep, because she had to make sure that monster wasn't around to catch him off guard.

"She's just as stubborn as Ben." Leia genuinely found it amusing that the two of them seemed so similar. So she had to change tactics. "We'll speak with Plutt about her schooling and bring her home later."

The two left and Rey inched up to sit besides him and he turned his head from the pillow he was resting on which filled the muffled room with a faint shuffle.

"You should have gone with my mother... it's going to be boring sitting here with me." He closed his eyes after saying it and Rey wondered if he was falling asleep right then and there, but after a moment he swallowed and shifted in the bed to get more comfortable. "You know... I always wanted a sibling... someone to take care of."

"Me too." Rey admitted that having a brother or a sister would be nice and having Ben was... maybe a little bit like that. It was hard to say when she didn't even know what having a brother or sister was even like. She supposed that she had to just... well... guess that this must be what it was like.

She watched him as his breathing changed and evened out to something softer and even the slightest snore which made her struggle not to giggle and wake him up, because he growled sort of like a lion in his sleep.

Of course he had been correct when he said that it was going to be boring. The boredom even had her looking up and counting ceiling tiles, but finally it exhausted her and so Rey settled in against him and let the sleep take over her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a short chapter, but you will be getting the next one tomorrow with Ben's pov.
> 
> "Drawn to You" by Audrey Assad  
https://youtu.be/y6Yo_5KRQtI


	4. Dona nobis pacem

The haze of sleep made things blurry when he first opened his eyes and he took a look around to try to remember where he was as always tended to happen with things vicodin or oxys, but if he was honest he preferred the obliviousness that it brought with it. It just made things easier.

Except... there was a weight on his belly and he glanced down to find Rey was still there with him and sleeping soundly with her head on him. He was surprised that she was there if he was completely honest. He had thought that his parents would have shown up while he was asleep and whisked her away.

As he looked over her sleeping face his expression softened. Adorable. Absolutely adorable and it just reminded him that he wanted to protect her at all costs. He had. He had protected her... for the first time in his entire life... he had been able to stand up to Snoke and she had given him the strength that he had needed to do that.

For the first time in his life he had successfully done something he had wanted to and that was to protect her from the same torment that had been inflicted upon him.

His mouth quirked up on one side into something of a smile and he reached down to gently brush some of her hair away from her face and back behind her ear so it wasn't in her face as she slept.

There was a strange swelling feeling in his chest and he had a hard time identifying it. This feeling like he wanted to take care of her and guard her. It was like nothing that he had ever felt before. All he knew was that he was going to give anything and everything to protect her... he'd already given up his face. Not that there was much to look at there anyways.

Snoke told him he had a face only a mother could love. The kids in school laughed at it. So he knew this to be true.

A knock sounded at the door to draw him from his reflections and he glanced over to see his mother opening up the door and stepping through with a smile upon her face. He supposed that must mean that she had some good news for them.

"Good news?" He questioned softly in some attempt to prevent waking Rey, but it still stirred her from her sleep.

"It took some aggressive negotiations, but Unkar Plutt sees things my way." Leia answered with a sort of smile that conveyed she had most definitely strong armed Unkar Plutt into doing what she wanted him to do.

"Gunboat Diplomacy?" While there was an attempt at being quiet... it still unfortunately woke Rey and had her sitting up to try to rub the sleep from her eyes. "Sorry, Rey..."

She didn't answer. It was fine. She didn't need words. He understood that she was trying to adjust and wake up in an unusual place.

"Rey, would you like to come have dinner with us?" Leia asked. Rey looked up at her in surprise, but nodded right away. "Let's let Ben get changed."

There was a hesitation to go along with Leia.

"You can trust her." Ben tried and watched Rey take just a minute longer to stare at his mother before she finally did hop off the bed and then go along with Leia.

Once the door had closed he slowly put his feet over the side of the bed and sighed, leaning forward and burying his face in his hands to just take a moment to try to adjust.

It was hard for him to get out of this bed. He didn't even want to. All that he wanted was to lie down and close his eyes and hope that he wouldn't open them again, but... Rey had made him feel a little better at least.

For some reason the idea of someone needing him... being able to take care of someone... that changed things for him. It gave him that little push that he needed to get up.

It wasn't as if his parents really cared. They sent him away with Luke to be a priest and never looked back.

Reaching for the clothing his mother had brought him he started to strip down and try to avoid looking at himself in the mirror in the corner as he did. He hated looking at himself... all he ever felt was disgusted. He did his best to focus on the white wall in front of him as he worked on changing into the clean, fresh clothing. It felt nice considering he'd been confined to this bed for a week with his face healing from the damage that had been done to it.

He finally gave a brief glance at the mirror although he noticed in the reflection the medicine cabinet was left open and unlocked.

While he knew that he shouldn't... he was hurting and he was hurting in a lot of ways and during this time he had been on some strong painkillers and he liked how they made him feel numb... so he approached the cabinet and grabbed a bottle and stuffed it into the pocket of his hoodie.

His heart was pounding with the fear of doing something he shouldn't be doing, but he needed this.

So with that hidden away he made his way over to the door and noticed his mother waiting patiently, explaining something about the school to Rey and probably informing her that she was going to be attending now.

Plutt probably only agreed, because his mother said that she was going to pay for it. Though he supposed it didn't matter. She was going to get the education that she needed and that was what really mattered above all else.

"Where are we going?" He did wonder what his mother had planned. It was so rare that he ever saw her so she must have something special planned.

"A nice little picnic spot over at Warner Lake. You two will love it." Leia glanced down at Rey, holding her hand. "Have you ever gone on a picnic, Rey?"

"No." Rey answered and clearly wasn't even sure what it was.

"You'll love it. I promise." Leia responded and Ben fought the urge to roll his eyes. It was just that his mother's promises weren't worth much. Not to him at least. She never kept them.

He was about to ask if Han had left already in record time, but got his answer when he saw his father waiting there by the car for them. He was on his phone though and not paying attention to anything other than whatever was going on with it.

The last thing he wanted was to sit in the car with his father on a drive long or short, but he knew that Rey really could use a good meal and his mother would provide that so he was willing to put himself through it for her.

His father didn't actually say anything when he say them and instead climbed into the driver's seat as his mother approached the passenger's side. He really didn't want to sit in the back, but... well... at least Rey was going to be there with him.

That made it more tolerable.

He made sure to get the door for Rey and to help her in. Just making sure she was taken care of in general and once she was securely in he moved around to the otherside and climbed in, frowning at the lack of leg space. He'd always had long legs and tended to dread sitting in the back because he had no room and his legs would cramp up and get restless.

However his thoughts were drawn to Rey when he noticed she didn't have her seatbelt on and he sighed and leaned over to clip it in place for her.

Sitting back he caught his mother's eyes in the mirror and the way that she was looking at him. She seemed to think that it was amusing to watch him taking care of someone for the first time. His mother was well aware that he had no friends... she seemed please he had appeared to have made one.

Maybe he would have smarted off to her, but Rey reached over for his hand and held it and he glanced down to observe the way her much smaller hand tried it's very best to curl around his, but ended up completely dwarfed.

While he generally didn't like being touched at all he was slowly getting used to Rey holding his hand. It didn't mean anything bad with her. It was simply a genuine comfort with no ulterior motive.

It was the only thing that kept him from starting a fight and ruining the evening.

In fact he was convinced that everything was going to be fine for once. That was until they reached Warner Lake and he noticed Poe Dameron's truck there and gritted his teeth. He hated that kid.

He put his focuse on caring for Rey again instead of worrying about that and unclipped Rey's belt for her before he got out and went around to her door to help her while his mother and Han went to greet Poe.

"Poe, we didn't know you were going to be here. Why don't you join us? We brought plenty of food." Leia approached Poe, gave him a half hug and Han clapped him on the shoulder with a smile.

"How's my future business partner doing?" Han questioned.

Ben scoffed and muttered under his breath in a sort of mocking tone and then he caught Rey tilted her head as she looked up at him on confusion.

"Are you mad, Ben?" Such an innocent question. She had no idea.

"No... I just... don't like Poe. That's all." For now he reached down for her hand and started towards the picnic tables with a sigh. It was better to get this over and done with. "This way... I'm sure you're hungry."

"Mmhm. I tried to cook my own food at Plutt's, but I don't have the manual dexterity." She explained in a very serious tone for such a young lady and he smiled and shook his head. "Is that a lake? Do you think there are mermaids in it?"

Ben chuckled low under his breath. Children. One moment they were astonishing you with words of wisdom beyond their years, and the next, they were exasperating you with silly questions that defied all logic.

Sometimes he wished he was a kid again so he could get lost in some make believe world, but he was practically an adult now and he had to face the real world. At the very least... Rey made it bearable and that was something to be thankful for. He would do his best to make sure that she enjoyed her first picnic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Danny Gokey - Haven't Seen it Yet  
https://youtu.be/n3HioWWCe18


	5. Speechless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is dedicated to you harassment anon. I will take your hate, harassment and bullying and I will turn it into something beautiful. I will not be silenced by another abuser ever again.

A picnic. Rey had never been on a picnic before and so she was eager to see what it was all about and when Leia brought out the basket full of food her eyes widened and she looked on it in amazement. Even more so when Leia prepared a big plate for her. She didn't think that she had ever seen this much food in her entire life. So this was a picnic.

Rey smiled when she observed the massive plate and tried to decide what it was that she wanted to eat first, but all of it looked good to her.

"How has school been?" Leia questioned, with her eye focused on Ben and he simply shrugged while shoving some minuscule amount of food around on his plate instead of actually eating it.

"I still think he should have taken up football... not that... sissy calligraphy crap." Han waved his fork dismissively as he spoke.

"Han." Leia scolded and shot her husband a glare.

Rey looked between the two as they argued... she was trying to focus on her food, but the tone of their voice made her a little nervous. No wonder Ben didn't want to eat much around them.

"What? Football would be better for him... any sport would be better for him. Instead you and Luke have him hooked on this hokey religion. Imagine the money he could make if he got into the NFL? Huh? Toughen him up some... he's too scrawny." Han glanced over at Poe who was just sitting to the table with them. "How about it Poe? Star quarterback I'm sure you could get Ben a position on the team."

"Oh, well... I don't know Mr. Solo... I can try." Poe answered, reaching forward to fill his plate while he could.

"Don't listen to them, Ben. You'll be a wonderful priest." Leia smiled comfortingly and tried to encourage her son with the best interest at heart, but Rey could tell from the look on Ben's face that he didn't want any of it.

"Sure." Ben sighed softly.

As she looked between Ben and his mother she could tell from the look on her face that his mother just genuinely wanted him to be happy, but didn't know how to help him or get him to open up.

"What about you, Rey? What do you want to be when you grow up?" Leia decided to focus on her now as she could not get anything out of Ben.

"Hmmm... I like to fix up old cars in Plutt's junkyard." Rey decided that if she had to do something she would like to keep doing what she was good at.

"A mechanic?"

"Smart kid." Han complimented.

It was fairly peaceful after that and they enjoyed their meal while Rey ate what she could while she could, because it was rare to have this much food and she didn't know when she would have food again at all.

But then there was a beeping and Leia was looking at some little device which made Ben frown and look utterly miserable the moment that he heard it.

"Something has come up at work." Leia sighed and Han had a knowing look and stood up along with her.

"I'll walk you to your car."

Maybe she over did it. Her stomach hurt it was so full, but what chance would she have to eat like this again?

Once more she heard Ben sighed and glanced over at his plate to see that he really hadn't eaten more than a few bites. It must be sad for him to watch his mother leave... she sort of remembered her parents leaving her. It was blurry, but... still a distant memory. Somewhere far away in the corner of her mind.

"So are the rumors true?" Poe asked and Rey tried to glance up at the boys and saw the scowl cross Ben's face as he looked over towards Poe.

"What rumor?" Ben's voice wasn't exactly nice or soft. Not like when he spoke to her. It was harsh and grating.

"That you like boys."

"No."

"That's a shame. I do." Poe admitted and placed a hand on Ben's knee.

"Don't touch me." Ben's voice suddenly took on tinges of panic and he recoiled away from Poe, trying to look at anything else. The look in his eyes reminded Rey of a wild horse desperately trying to break free.

"Relax... it's okay. It's not wrong." Poe was trying to calm Ben, but Rey could see the way his fists were clenching up and knew something was about to snap. It was when Poe started to lean closer to Ben that there was a rush of movement.

Ben was drawing back his fist and then that fist was connecting with Poe's face with a loud pop noise, but that wasn't the end of it. He shoved Poe back until he hit the ground, grabbed him by the shirt and put a knee on his chest to keep him down so he could continue to hit him.

Then Han was yelling and he was pulling Ben off Poe.

"What the hell, Ben?!" Han shoved him back and kept himself between the boys.

"Ben doesn't like being touched." Rey clarified in hopes that Han might understand and not be too mad.

"That's no excuse." Han stated and turned towards Poe. "Hey, you alright, kid? Looks like he broke your nose."

"Fine, Mr. Solo... it was my fault." Poe waved it off.

"Let's get you to a hospital just in case. I'll have Luke pick these two up."

And just like that the picnic was over and Ben was dropping back onto the bench with a shaky sigh and nervously running a hand through his hair. It was silent for a time as he watched Han leave and then there was yet another sigh out of him.

"I'm sorry I ruined your first picnic." He apologized sincerely and his voice came out broken apart like shattered glass.

"I got enough to eat." Rey didn't quite understand why he seemed so upset. She had eaten more than she had in perhaps her entire life. It couldn't get better than that for her. Even if Ben wasn't getting along with Poe very well.

There was a moment when he turned his head to glance at her and smiled slightly, but his smile wavered and she thought for a moment that he might cry. Ben cried a lot. She didn't cry very much at all... she guessed boys just weren't as tough as girls.

Her thoughts were interrupted by an irritated sigh and she looked up to see Ben focusing on the group that had just arrived and especially once they had noticed him and started towards him.

"Ah, what do you know. The freak is actually out of it's natural habitat."

"Hux. Phasma." Ben greeted while trying to keep from giving them a reaction, though he clearly didn't like the red haired boy or the tall blonde girl that was with him.

Hux tucked his book under his arm and Rey noticed the way Ben's eyes were focused on that book and the way his mouth curled in disgust at the title. Mein Kampf. Although, Rey had no idea what it was or why Ben looked like he hated it.

"So tell me... what brings the gargoyle down from his pedestal?" Hux continued on with a sneer.

"Ben's not a gargoyle. He's an angel." Rey spoke up, because she was convinced that was what Ben was. He had to be her guardian angel. He had saved her from the real gargoyle after all.

This seemed to throw Hux off track and he sputtered and didn't know what to say, which left his blonde friend cackling.

"A child left you speechless. I like her." Phasma stated.

The honk of a horn caught everyone off guard and Rey recognized the enthusiastically waving bearded priest as Father Luke, but what shocked her more was the orange and white car and she gasped, because she had never seen one in perfect condition before.

"That's an Auburn Speedster." Rey breathed, but looked extremely excited to see it, completely missing the stunned looks on everyone's faces.

"How do you know that, Rey?" Ben questioned her softly, expression completely astonished.

"Plutt's junkyard, duh." Rey stated because honestly he had taken her home he should have seen all the cars in that big junkyard. Maybe girls were just smarter than boys too? "I fix cars up with Plutt all the time so I know everything about them."

There was no time to waste. She was impatient and wanted to see this car close up so she hurried up to approach and view it in awe.

"She's a beauty isn't she." Luke smiled at her and gave the engine a good rev for her.

"It only has pipes on one side. That means it's a straight-eight engine. It's not a replica with a modern V8." Rey was so distracted with it she didn't even hear Ben approached until she felt his hand on his shoulder and he gestured for her to climb in. "I get to ride home in it?"

Ben nodded and opened up the door for her to climb in as enthusiastically as she did and then he climbed in after her and pulled the door closed behind him.

"You sure know a lot about cars, kid." Luke mused with a whistle.

"Plutt makes me help fix cars or I don't get to eat dinner." Rey responded. "He's too big to reach the smaller places so I have to do it."

There was a silence between both Luke and Ben, but the two of them passed a look between one another and while she might not fully understand what it was that they were silently communicating she knew that it was something.

Regardless she was in a classic car and feeling the breeze as the went down the road while the engine roared beautifully as it sped up. She never imagined that life could be so good, but lately things had changed for her. She really was so happy.

She just wished that she could find a way for Ben to be happy too.

The ride came to an end, but with Luke promising that she would be able to ride home with him again sometime and even when she was old enough that she could drive it. So she found herself climbing out of the car even more excited.

There was another look passed between the two and Rey wondered what it was, but before she could ask Ben spoke up.

"Can I see where you live?"

"Sure!" Rey reached up for his much larger hand and brought him along with her, because it wasn't as if Plutt was going to care so long as she didn't bring him into the house.

When they passed the house Ben looked more confused.

"You're not taking me inside?"

"You said where I live."

"You don't live inside the house?"

"Nope." Rey took him straight to the old war machine that was her home and climbed up inside of it to show him her space. "I made it all by myself."

"Did you?" Ben seemed unhappy to see that she had to live here for some reason, but she didn't know why. She was happy and she liked it.

"You don't like my house?"

"Uhm..." Ben paused and looked around it. "No. It's very nice. You did very good work for someone so small."

"Plutt's house is smelly." She wrinkled her nose up as she said it while the memory of the smell hit her as if she was smelling it all over again.

It was a little odd to be showing her home to someone, but she knew that she could trust Ben after what he had done for her. He did seem to be taking in her home without being critical of it too... and then he noticed her comic books and reached forward to pick one up with a look that might be considered smug.

"You like comic books?"

"They're my favorite." Rey nodded.

"Remember when you asked me what I really wanted to do?" He questioned and she nodded once more while she watched him reach into the bag slung over his shoulder and pull out a full sketch book that he handed to her.

Once she opened it up she realized that Ben had drawn these and that he must want to make comic books when he got older, but... if he wanted to do that why was he becoming a priest? He really didn't make sense sometimes.

"You drew all of it? It's so neat."

"Mmhm." He shifted and tried to make himself more comfortable in the small space. "You can look over them... if you promise that you won't show them to anyone else and bring it back to me next Sunday. Deal?"

"Deal." She reached up to shake his hand like she saw Plutt do with people that bought old cars. A confirmation of a deal.

"I've got to go... I'll see you next Sunday alright?" Ben slowly climbed back out and then waved to her briefly before he slowly made his way out of the junkyard.

Rey smiled and held the comic that Ben had drawn in the sketchbook tight to her chest and decided that she was really looking forward to next Sunday again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Naomi Scott - Speechless  
https://youtu.be/mw5VIEIvuMI


	6. Dominus Illuminatio Mea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you ever feel lonely  
Even in your own house  
Struggle with the words  
That are coming out of your mouth  
Run around for something new
> 
> Have you ever seen heaven  
Even in a daydream  
Ever been begging  
To say something you mean
> 
> ~"Same Old Things" by Black Match

Her thirteenth birthday came and went. She had spent that with the Skywalker family and had her first real birthday party. Sure they had tried to pry her birthday out of her plenty of times, but she had been far to embarrassed to tell them that she didn't know when it was and when she slipped up one day to Ben he had made it his mission to make sure that they celebrated it for the first time.

Rey should have known -she supposed- that the good was going to have to have a down side eventually and that downside happened to be that Plutt had locked her out of the house in the middle of winter.

The old half-track was far too cold to sleep in tonight so it was one of those rare times that she was trying to get to sleep in the house. There was already a thick blanket of snow laid out across the land. Sleeping out here on a night like this would probably be a death sentence.

Sighing Rey risked knocking even harder at the door. It was impossible to get in without breaking a window. She had tried before. Plutt didn't want people getting in and stealing from him so it was all locked up tight.

When the door swung open Rey instantly regretted it. There he was in that stupid robe of his with the most enraged expression she'd seen to date.

"What do you want, girl?!" Plutt snarled and raised his hand up, about to hit her before remembering that he couldn't leave bruises since she had begun to go to that school and lowering it.

"It's cold..." Her voice came out a lot smaller than she had wanted it to, but she was shivering and desperately trying to keep warm.

"Why don't you let her in, Unkar." Another voice spoke up and she tried to glance around Plutt, but he was far too fat for her to be able to see until he turned sideways to glance back at the speaker.

There at the table, smoking with bottles of empty alcohol happened to be a group of men and something in the way they looked at her made her skin crawl. This was a feeling that she knew to obey and she started to back up in a hurry, but Plutt grabbed her wrist in his fat, grubby hand and she panicked.

Rey sank her teeth into his hand. Tasted that familiar coppery taste in her mouth that told her she drew blood. Plutt let out the nastiest string of curses and Rey took her chance to run for it while he tried to shake the pain off.

Plutt was fat and slow, but he definitely was coming after her with much longer legs. She could hear his heavy footsteps crunching in the snow behind her. She didn't even know where she was running to... she only knew that she had to get away from him.

"Rey! Get back here you little, bitch!" She head him shouting behind her, but didn't even slow down as she turned the corner.

Big mistake.

She hit a wall. Or... not a wall, but rather a person and she held her breath as she slowly looked up with a cringe to see who it was that she had hit.

Standing there with specs of snow dotting the black fabric of his coat and floating around him... he was like something out of a nightmare or a daydream with the statue behind him giving him the appearance of wings. Her savior... and Plutt's nightmare.

"Ben..." She had no idea what he was doing here, but by the way he was looking at the ground without saying anything she knew that he must have heard what Plutt called her and cringed.

Finally Ben lifted his head and glanced up at Plutt and Rey heard those heavy footsteps stop completely. There was something in his eyes... in the way that he looked at Plutt that stopped the man in just a glance.

Ben started forward slowly and she could hear the slow even steps as he walked up next to her, place a hand on her shoulder and spoke.

"Rey... don't turn around." He requested, releasing her shoulder and continuing towards Plutt.

Rey was suddenly terrified and not for Plutt or what Ben might do to him, but the idea that Ben might do something bad that was going to get him into trouble... locked away in jail. She didn't want that to happen to him.

There was a crack. Something broke. Plutt screamed.

"Ben!" Not knowing what else to do she tried his name to get his attention.  
  
There was only silence and watching her own unsteady breath puff out in front of her in a white cloud for a time and then after a moment she heard that same even pace returning towards her and while she didn't turn she glanced to her side when Ben stood next to her just to catch him wiping blood away from his hand with a cloth that he stuffed back inside his jacket once he was finished.

"What happened?" Ben questioned and she hesitated a great deal, but then shook her head. No. She wouldn't tell him. He would end up in jail if she did. Perhaps he knew it too, because he relented. "Fine, but you're coming home with me."

"Your house?" Rey was surprised. She had never been to his house before. They only ever saw one another at Church. His home had only ever been a sort of place that she imagined was off limits to someone like her. Someone that lived in a junkyard.

She felt the familiar warmth of his hand when he reached down for hers and continued along the path, but she did wonder what in the world he was doing out here all alone in this weather. It was so cold out here.

Even if she was freezing it was sort of nice just to be walking with him. Almost made her forget about Plutt and his stupid friends.

The sight of his car however did make her smile, because Ben had made his own car. There was no other quite like it. It was a prototype that he liked to call Silencer because he insisted that it put all other cars to shame and it certainly did.

Midnight black exterior with red leather interior, because... well... this was Ben. Did she even need to say more?

He stepped around and opened up the passenger side door for her before proceeding to get in and start up the car so he could turn the heat up on high for her.

Still a question now lingered in her mind. What in the world was Ben doing out here all by himself on the night before Christmas eve? Rey wanted to ask, but she wasn't entirely certain that she should as she knew that it would open her up to him pushing about what happened with Plutt.

They drove in silence though it was a comfortable sort of silence. They never had to have words when they were with one another. There was just understanding.

Eventually he turned down a long road and stopped at the gate for a moment before he rolled the window down so that he could pass a card over a keypad and type in the code and once it was typed in the gates opened up to allow him to continue.

Rey was... stunned by the massive brick mansion at the end of the road. She knew that Leia was an important politician, but she had never expected something so grand.

It didn't quite compare to the cathedral, but the big marble pillars that reached up to the third story were impressive and banded with a gold accent. For all she knew it was real gold too... rich people like Ben's parents could afford that sort of thing.

As he got out he hurried around to her side to open it up for her and then to lead her inside where it was warm, but if she thought the outside was impressive it was nothing compared to the inside.

This house was truly unlike anything she had ever seen before. Beautiful marble on the floors and walls... the duel stairs on either side of the foyer and even a fountain in-between them. This house had everything.

It all made her feel... inadequate. She was from the junkyard. She absolutely didn't belong in such a beautiful house.

A loud clicking pull her from those thoughts and her eyes widened upon seeing the biggest, hairiest dog she had ever seen in her life. She had no idea what sort of dog he was, but she was curious.

"Chewie, no!" Ben stepped between them and stopped the dog from getting to her.

"I like dogs." She tried to protest.

"I know, but he's so big I just don't want him to push you over and hurt you. Comeon... let's get you warmed up." Ben said as he shrugged his coat off and hung it up on the rack. "I'll show you to the guest bedroom."  
  
"What is he...?" She inquired of the dog.  
  
"Han's Tibetan Mastiff."  
  
Tibetan Mastiff. She had never heard of it, but she was waiting for the opportunity to pet this dog, because she wanted to find out if he was as soft as he looked. For now she settled on taking in everything about this mansion.   
  
While it was beautiful and big with a massive Christmas tree there in the living room she did notice that it was lacking the essential warmth that made a house a home. It was empty... and it was lonely... his parents weren't here. Nobody was here. Was this how Ben lived his life? All alone in this big mansion?

It made her feel even worse for Ben if that was even possible.

"Your parents aren't here?" She did tentatively asked as she followed him up the stairs and down the hallway while the dog trotted dutifully behind them.

"No. They're busy people." He responded and stopped at one door and opened it and then another and a third room even. "There are several rooms you can choose from... whatever suits you."

"Not even when tomorrow is Christmas eve?" Rey had always imagined that the family spend all their holidays together.

"Rey... my mother has to work very hard so that we have everything that we do... and so that she can make the lives of the people in her state better." He explained it in a way that showed that while he was sad that he couldn't spend holidays with her he did not blame his mother and did very much understand... however... she did notice he didn't extend that same understanding to his father.

"Your-..." Not father. She quickly stopped herself because Ben hated calling him that. "Han?"

"Han made his choice." He gestured once more to the rooms. "The bathroom is down the hall... and my room is at the very end there near that window there... if you need anything."

"Thank you." She wished that he would stay and they could talk, but she was fully aware that it was exceptionally late. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Rey." For a moment he was silent and with the way that he was looking at her she was waiting for him to ask something. More than likely about Plutt, but he didn't. Instead he turned to retreat to his own room and Rey sighed as she watched him disappear into the room at the end of the hall.

A low thump caught her attention and Rey smiled when she realized the dog had stayed and was currently wagging his tail at her. When he noticed she looked at him his tail proceeded to wag even faster and his mouth opened to show teeth in a way that she was completely certain that this dog was smiling at her.

"Hi, Chewie." She reached out a hand to stroke through his thick, reddish fur and wondered what cosmic crimes that this dog had committed to earn the name 'Chewie', but one could only speculate.

She patted her thigh for the dog to come along as she picked her bedroom. The one closest to Ben's.

This bedroom was... beautiful. She had never seen anything like it. All her life she wished for just a small, cozy bedroom of her own and even if it was just for one night... she was staying here. Perhaps... this was a little Christmas gift from God Himself.

Whatever the case she shrugged her coat off and then collapsed backwards onto the bed and sighed, because it was so comfortable... and so warm. She wished that she could just stay here forever, but knew the dream would have to end eventually.

As she turned her head she noticed the phone next to the bed and remembered that Rose was going to stop by tomorrow so they could exchange gifts, but since she wasn't at the Junkyard she needed to tell Rose that she would just meet her at Church instead.

Reaching over for it she dialed the number of her best friend by heart and waited for an answer.

"Hello...?" Rose's voice answered somewhat suspiciously.

"Rose, it's me."

"Rey?" There was still suspicion in Rose's voice and Rey had to fight not to roll her eyes at how silly she could be sometimes.

"I know it's late, but I wanted to make sure you don't stop by the junkyard since I'm not staying there tonight. I wanted to meat at Church instead." Rey explained and there was a 'tsk' on the other end.

"Where are you staying? Is everything alright?" Rose knew what Plutt was like, because she had seen some of the bruises where Plutt hit her whenever she made him mad. "Do you need to come here? My parents will let you stay."

"No. Everything is fine. I'm staying with Ben."

"Ben Solo...?"

"Yeah?" Rey didn't know why Rose said it in such a way.

"Rey! That place is haunted!"

"H-haunted...?"

"Haven't you heard the stories at school?" Rose sounded genuinely shocked.

"Stories...?"

"It was tragic. The previous owner had everything. She was rich, beautiful... she was a hero during the war, but she was murdered by her husband because there was a rumor going around that she was having an affair... after he killed her he hung himself and now their ghosts are trapped inside the mansion. Doomed to wander the halls for all eternity." It was so dramatic the way the tale was told, but it still sent a chill through Rey.

It didn't help that when the wind picked up there was a creaking sound up in the attic... almost like footsteps and a ghost groaning wail.

"I've go to go."

"Wait! I didn't tell you about the-"

"Bye!" Rey didn't wait for Rose to say anything else to terrify her. She wanted to get some sleep and she was never going to get that rest if she kept hearing all these horrible ghost stories.

There was a moment when she glanced over towards the closet and waited for it to open and some horrible thing to step out of it, but no matter how long she stared nothing actually happened. So she kicked her shoes off and the crawled under the blankets.

The dog laid down next to her on the floor and she dropped her hand down over the side the gently stroke along the top of his head and over his ears. It was comforting, but... she was still in a strange place that she just heard a ghost story about.

Every new noise was strange. She wasn't used to it. Every shadow moving across the wall, but then there was a dull scraping against the window with a particular gust of wind and... that was it. She'd had it.

She was noping right out of this room. Throwing the blankets off she stumbled over Chewie and pushed the door open, hurrying down the hallway towards Ben's room.

His door was partially open and so Rey paused, because she knew better than to bother with half open doors, but... but... this was most definitely different and so she grimaced while she pressed the door open.

"Rey?" His voice came across surprised.

"What are you doing?" Rey watched him sit up very shirtless and in dark grey sweat pants that left absolutely nothing to the imagination so she struggled to fight against the warm coloring that wanted to tinge her cheeks.

"Working out before bed." He explained with a wave of his hand and then leaned over to grab a clean white t-shirt to pull on as he slowly stood up. "Is everything alright?"

"Why?" She was trying not to stare... she really was. And maybe she was also avoiding telling him why she had really run in here because that was embarrassing too.

"I don't... want anyone to be able to push me around anymore. If I'm bigger... they can't just do whatever they want." Though as he sat on the bed he nodded towards her again. "What's wrong?"

She hesitated and bit her lip, because she did not want to admit that she was still very much terrified of stupid ghost stories.

"Your house is haunted?" She asked and then she watched his expression change and his mouth curl up into a smile on one side as he tilted his head to the side.

"Who told you that?"

"Rose..."

"Ah, the Tico girl. Pagie's sister." He nodded. "Rey... even if it were haunted and I believed in ghosts... the only ghosts here would be my grandparents... and they were very good, kind people... but they're in heaven now. Not here. Okay?"

"Okay." She did relax a bit when he said that, but still she couldn't quite stop staring and to make matters worse she saw his brow furrow, watched the way he glanced down at himself and then rather quickly folded his hands on his lap.

He knew.

Oh, if she thought this couldn't get anymore embarrassing it just did. She had been staring and he knew that she had been. Fortunately he didn't actually say anything about it and looked off to the side.

"Do you uh, want to watch something? That always helps me fall asleep." He reached up and ran a hand back through his hair with a sigh before he switched on the TV and made to turn something on.

Rey took a look around his room when he looked for something to put on and she noticed just how bare the room was. He didn't... really have anything on his walls. No posters. No decorations. The only mess in the room was on his desk and that was because he appeared to be working on another comic book.

She slowly approached and noted the empty panels. He was indeed working on another comic and she wondered if he would tell her what this one was or if he would keep it secrete until it was done. Sometimes he liked to surprise her.

The oddest thing was there was only one picture on the desk and that was of Ben and Rose's sister Paige.

"You know Paige?"

"Huh? Oh, uh...." He stood and then grabbed the frame and placed it with the picture facing down and shrugged. "I used to."

There was something in the way he react and Rey had a sort of sinking feeling that Ben must like her if his very empty room made a point to have a picture of the two of them together... and so she turned towards him and tried to judge by his expression.

"Do you like Paige?"

"What? I... no... it doesn't matter... I'm trying to become a priest... she's interested in Dameron anyway..." His words seemed to confirm that he had some sort of feelings for her, but that they weren't exactly reciprocated.

She remembered Poe. He had gone to the academy. It was sort of common knowledge that Poe liked boys. She knew that he had pressured Ben from time to time because he thought Ben did too... and it always tended to make him extremely uncomfortable. She knew the truth of why too... after what Snoke had done he couldn't stand a man even standing next to him. She witnessed many moments of panic.

Which was something that she now understood much more clearly. She asked him once why he hadn't told anyone and he explained that Snoke would just say that he was a liar and that none of the adults would ever believe him. While that might be true... she also knew now that it was because he was disgusted and ashamed. That he didn't want anyone to know.

Fortunately for the both of them Snoke was on a trip to Rome. That disgusting old pervert thought that he was going to become the Pope. It was what he was trying for at least... she hoped he never gained that much power.

"Ben..."

"I would just hurt someone... even if I tried..." He continued on and confessed a little more than perhaps he may have wanted. "I should have thrown that picture out. It's my fault. Sorry."

"Stop..." Rey watched him getting himself worked up over the situation and she knew that if she didn't talk him down he was going to have another one of those freak outs that he had from time to time. "You have to remember to breathe."

Ben had explained those moments to her. He said that they were just panic attacks and that they would fade, but she still didn't like seeing him have to go through them.

"Yeah. You're right." He did take a deep breath and then let it out, but he did finally find something to turn on and Rey raised a brow when she saw what it was he had picked.

"Star Trek?"

"It's wholesome. I like it."

"It's goofy." She responded and he scoffed, placed a hand over his heart in mock offense, but he did pat the side of his massive bed for her to sit down. She knew there was plenty of space for her.

It was sort of nice to just relax and watch TV with Ben. The only time she ever got to watch anything was when she stayed over at the Tico household with Rose and that was very rare because Plutt threw fits when she wasn't working.

Eventually Ben got up and left the room for awhile, but when he returned he had a beer and Rey sort of froze seeing him with that. It was a conditioned response and she couldn't help it but she was the one getting nervous now. Seeing him with that. Plutt got bad when he drank... those were the times he tried to come after her.

At first she didn't say anything, but him drinking was really pushing her to want to get up and run away like she always had to when Plutt got drunk.

"What?" He definitely noticed her expression.

"Do... you have to drink?" Rey didn't really want to get into this with him, but she'd return to her own room if he continued. It nearly had her in tears to see Ben of all people drinking, because she was afraid of him turning into a monster like Plutt if he was going to drink.

"Rey... why?" While he really looked like he wanted to finish he did set it aside and then move to sit closer to her. "It's fine... I don't have to... not right now... but you're going to tell me why."

"I don't want to." Rey nervously twisted her hands in the edge of her shirt, because she now didn't want Ben going after Plutt. "Plutt always gets worse when he drinks..."

"How?" Ben's voice came across suspicious and then shifted into something else. "He doesn't... he hasn't touched you, right?"

"No. I'm too fast for him."

"But he tried?"

Rey didn't answer because Plutt had never caught her and so she couldn't say what he would or wouldn't have done. Her eyes widened though as she watched the way Ben stood up. He looked murderous.

"Don't, Ben... I don't know what he wanted... either way he didn't get it..." Her words didn't seem to help, because now he was pacing back and forth. "Please don't..."

"Motherfucker! I'll kill him!" He continued to pace back and forth and now she was terrified that Ben was really going to go and do this and that he was going to get himself sent to prison because she couldn't keep her mouth shut when she really should.

He drew his arm back and knocked everything off his desk including the beer bottle which shattered under the force of hitting the wall that hard and then he was on cursing again and pacing... clenching and un-clenching his fists.

"Ben, please... you're really scaring me." It was only those words that stopped him dead in his tracks.

"I..." He finally came to kneel on the floor in front of her and very gently took her hands in between his. "Rey, you can tell me. You know you can tell me of all people. Did he?"

"No. Ben, I promise he didn't." Rey knew that surely he had to know that she wasn't lying to him just to placate him, but she was afraid he was too caught up in his rage to be able to tell she was being honest. That he would be unable to see anything other than red.

But he didn't react any worse and simply shook his head, reached his hands up to take her face in between his hands, gently stroke his thumb along her cheek as he stood and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

"You're done there... you're not going back anymore... do you understand me? You're going to stay here from now on..." His voice broke on something of a wet sob and then his arms were around her. "Rey, I don't want that to happen to you. Not to you. I don't want you to ever hurt like that..."

Rey didn't say anything and knew that she had to just sort of let Ben work it out and cry a little bit... she learned that over the years. Sometimes all she could do was just let him cry. As nice as his idea sounded though... surely she couldn't stay here with him right? It was just a nice pipe dream. Staying here with him wasn't going to happen.

"I can't... Plutt adopted me."

"I'll make him keep his mouth shut... don't think I don't have my ways, but you aren't going back... I won't risk something happening to you." He let out a shuddering breath and then he tried to get himself together. "You don't want me to kill him... then you have to stay here."

While wasn't really sure how to react to him saying that she believed that Ben would kill Plutt if she didn't intervene.

"Okay..." She had to just do whatever it took to keep him as calm as possible so that he didn't do something reckless in a fit of rage.

Thankfully her agreement to stay here did have him settling down. She knew he probably still wanted to kill Plutt, but logic and rational thinking seemed to be kicking in finally after the initial rage lessened.

In the end she knew that Ben only wanted to protect her and he just wanted to stop anyone that might be hurting her. She only wished that someone would have stopped Ben from hurting... she still didn't really know how to do that.

However Rey did remember Leia telling her that when Ben was a baby the only thing that ever made him stop crying happened to be snuggling him and so she did try to hug or hold him whenever he was feeling bad.

It was a funny memory... having lunch with them and Leia knew that Ben was upset... and while she couldn't hug him she had used her to do it. Told her that old story... and her younger self had no self restraint whatsoever and tested that theory right there in the middle of the restaurant.

Ben had smiled and cheered up almost immediately. One small gesture... one little hug... had made all the difference in the world to him.

_"There see? Look at how happy it made him."_ Leia had said which had been shortly followed by Ben's usual _"Mom, please."_ when she embarrassed him.

She was pulled from that memory when Ben moved away from her and began cleaning up the mess he had made with a sigh. He gestured towards the TV as if to say just watch it as he headed out with the broken glass and wet, ruined papers of whatever comic he had been attempting to create.

Once he returned and settled in they didn't actually speak anymore about the situation. Not for a long time... several episodes went by. Although Ben's phone did continue going off periodically while he was leaned back watching the TV.

"Is it important?" Rey carefully spoke the first words in about an hour and he glanced down at her for a moment and then reached for it.

"No... just Paige asking about Dameron." He shrugged it off and set the phone aside, because it was clear he didn't like the whole situation, but after a moment he did sit up off the bed, open up the window right next to the headboard and reach into the drawer next to the bed for a cigarette.

She knew Ben smoked... she caught him several times and he had stopped trying to hide it from her. Still she thought maybe he wouldn't have to if she hadn't made him stop drinking.

"I'm sorry I ruined your drink..."

"It's just a drink." He brushed it off as he breathed in deeply and then sighed out the addicting smoke.

"I didn't know you knew Paige..." Rey really did wonder if she might lose Ben to Paige... if he was with her why would he ever need a filthy junkyard rat? "If she didn't like Poe... would you be with her?"

"Rey... I already told you. I'm going to be a priest." Ben continued to brush it off as he worked on his cigarette. "It would be wrong of her to like me."

So she nervously looked down, because that one sort of stung her personally and she wondered what to do now. There was no denying that she had the biggest crush on Ben Solo and he was saying something like that.

Was it wrong of her? Some mortal sin to like a soon to be priest?

"Ben... I like you..." Rey did cautiously admit to it for the first time, felt her heart thunder in her chest, but Ben didn't say anything. "Did you hear me?"

"I heard you." He nodded and continued to work on that cigarette.

"I like you... I really... really like you." She thought perhaps he didn't understand and tried to explain better.

"Okay." Ben finished up and put it out in the ash trey.

"Are you mad at me?" Now Rey wondered if her admitting that to him had angered him and that was why he reacted that way. After all what right did she have to say that to him after all that he had been through? When he was trying to be a priest as he said.

"I'm not mad, sweetheart. I promise." He closed the window and put his legs back up onto the bed to lean back against it once more. "It's alright to have a little crush. It will go away."

"What if it doesn't?" She asked, voice barely above a whisper.

"It will." He sounded so certain. Almost like he had diminished her feelings... like he thought that her feelings for him couldn't possible be anything more than just a little childish crush.

And maybe they were. What did she know? So once again they fell into a silence.

After awhile however she noticed Ben starting to nod off finally, but he breathed in deeply and tried to wake himself up enough to lower the volume and then reached down to gather up the blankets and seemed to be getting ready to sleep.

"You can stay... I'll keep the TV low... but don't... turn it off. You can't turn it off...." His voice sounded so serious and she nodded, because she absolutely wouldn't do that if he needed it on so badly.

Still she couldn't help wondering why he insisted on having such a bright light on while trying to sleep. It was low enough that she could only very, very faintly make out slight sounds, but not words.

The slow tap of Chewie's paws alerted her to the dog entering the room and she watched him go towards Ben's side of the bed and lie on the floor next to him.

Everything was quiet, but that harsh winter wind was still howling outside and up above in what she assumed could only be an attic. It wasn't as scary of course. Not with Ben right there next to her.

Suddenly Rey wished that she'd had him with her every night. All the cold, lonely nights that she had spent in that half-track. It would have been so much better if he had been there with her. It only made her want what he had demanded even more. To stay here. To not go back to Plutt.

To put her mind off it she tried to continue Ben's 'wholesome' favorite series and it did fortunately take her mind off everything for a little while. Until she found herself starting to nod off as well.

Once she reached that point she did move to take up the other side of the bed and stared up at the ceiling for a bit, watching the TV screen change the hues of color on it from blues to yellows... and then she turned onto her side and looked over at Ben with his back to her.

He seemed to be sleeping just fine through the flickering lights. She wondered why he had so insisted that they leave it on.

Though at some point in his sleep his shirt had ridden up his back and Rey caught sight of something under the edge of it. Perhaps she should have learned her lesson by now about curiosity, but she still reached forward to take the edge of his shirt and inch it up cautiously.

They were scars. Much smoother than the rest of his skin when she very gently traced one with a finger. It must just be something else that Snoke had left him with. It explained why he had been in such a hurry to put his shirt back on when she'd come in unexpectedly.

Rey sighed when she realized he still hid things from her. She wished that he didn't. She wanted to be able to help him.

After a moment she tugged his shirt back down carefully and then rolled to face away from him and closed her eyes. She had to sleep. There was no use spending all night thinking and being exhausted in the morning.

Easier said than done right? She tossed and turned for a time, but eventually managed to fall asleep.

Once she had finally managed to fall into that deep, dreamless sleep that was where she remained. Undisturbed for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Black Match - Same Old Things  
https://youtu.be/R3nfYb2AZr4


	7. Litaniae Sanctorum

If someone had told her years ago that she would escape Plutt and that junkyard then she would have called them a liar. And looked a fool in doing so. Ben had done exactly what he had said he was going to do. He found a way for her to stay with them.

Fortunately for all of them Ben hadn't done it through blood shed, but convinced his mother to take up a fierce legal battle to get custody of her. Plutt fought it, but in the end his mother's blood hound of a lawyer had ripped him apart and she was allowed to stay with them. She'd never know how it was really possible... if there was more political sway involved than she realized, but she knew that she was free and that she probably didn't want to dwell too much on Leia's political influence.

If it was anyone else it would be scary how much a politician could cheat the system, but Leia would never use this sway to do evil. She used it for good.

There were rumors that it was her that managed to get that land sold to her brother so that he could build his church and academy there. Somehow she got the feeling that it was the truth, but... it had been a great thing for her and other children that Leia helped get an education. So once again the amount of influence Leia had wasn't scary.

The moment she hit sixteen she took a job working for Maz at her very retro diner with a very equal ridiculous retro uniform that she had to wear which led her to believe that she was back in the 50s. Not that she wasn't used to it considering St. Luke's was strict on uniforms.

Ben had been upset about it at first. Told her that he would take care of her and that she didn't need to take a job. That she should focus on her schooling, but she was stubborn and insisted that she wasn't going to just take from his family when they had done so much for her. That she wanted to start giving back and contribute.

That was the end of that. He gave no further argument though he brooded for days after the argument as he always tended to if they got into disagreements.

It was a work night.

While it might come as a surprise to anyone else she found that she rather enjoyed her job. It was nice to work and earn her own money. It was satisfying. She had never been able to earn her own money before. Buy her own things. She felt independent finally even if some nights could be a wild, stressful rush that made her want to rip all her hair out.

Today however was a slow day and that was more than fine with her after yesterday's madhouse rush.

The bell above the door dinged and she looked up to find Ben stepping through. She couldn't keep the smile off her face even if she tried as she stood up when he approached her.

"Ben Solo... is that you?" Maz's voice came from the kitchen, but she didn't exist.

"Yes, Maz." He responded with a roll of his eyes that reminded her so much of Han before he turned his attention from Maz back to her. "Are you on break?"

"I am. It's slow today." She answered softly.

"What do you want, Solo?" Maz's voice came once more.

"The usual."

"Cheesy fries coming up."

"Thank you, Maz." Ben nodded towards the table in the back corner as he made his way towards it and slid into the shiny red and white booth. Rey decided that she wanted to sit next to him instead of across from him so she did take the risk and he offered another gentle smile that reached all the way up into his eyes. "You don't want a milkshake? Like old times?"

"Only if you share it with me." A little part of her wanted to say no, because she felt a little bit like he was still treating her like a child, but she didn't really want to start an argument with him and took the easy way out.

"Oh. You cut a hard deal..." He smiled that rare, truly content smile.

"You look happy... did something good happen?" 

"It did." He reached out a hand and slid it over to take hers. "Rey... you know I just got my degree in Theology? It's finally happening. Tonight is my Ordination. I would really like it if you were there."

"Oh." Rey's face fell, because while she had always known Ben was going to become a priest and that she was never really going to have him the way that she wanted him there had always been this tiny grain of hope. Hearing him say his Ordination was tonight crushed it even if it was a false hope.

And false hope was still hope. It was devastating.

"Rey?" His own voice changed, the excitement faded from it because he could tell from just a look and she knew that she couldn't ruin this night for him.

"I'm happy for you. I am." She was. That wasn't a lie. She knew how hard he had worked for this, but knowing that after tonight he was going to be a priest meant that their relationship was going to change completely. She was scared he was going to distance himself from her. "I guess that means no more hugs?"

"What?" He gave her an incredulous look. "Why would you even think that?"

To prove his point he wrapped his arms around her tightly, pulled her into him. Sighing she buried her face in his chest and slid her arms around his middle.

Ben Solo always gave the absolute best hugs. He was big and warm and there was a softness to hugging him that she couldn't describe. It never seemed to matter how bad she was feeling. A hug from him always made her feel better. At least she knew that she would still have this, but... it still felt like she was losing him.

"Promise?" She asked softly.

"Yes." Ben pulled back just slightly and looked over her face in hopes that she felt better after his words. "I have something else to tell you... once I'm Ordained I'm going to begin teaching at the academy."

"Really?" That really did perk her up, because that meant that he wasn't going away to some church far away. He was going to stay here. "What are you going to teach?"

"Mmm... let me see your pad and pen."

"You're going to write it?" She raised a brow at his request, but did comply and remove the pad and the pen from her apron and placed it onto the table for him.

"Better." He carefully started to work on a small sketch of something... Rey couldn't tell at first, but gradually she was able to tell that it was Maz at the grill and she smiled slightly because she realized that he was going to be able to do what he had wanted after all.

"You're teaching art..." It made her wonder if perhaps she could see him more. If she took his class. If she was allowed to take his class. "Can you teach me?"

"I don't see why not. Here..." He placed the pen into her hand and leaned in as he placed his hand around hers. "I can give you a few pointers now... so if you want to join my classes you'll be one step ahead."

She should probably pay attention to what he was trying to teach her, but all that she could focus on was the way that his chest was pressed up into her side and how soft and warm his hand felt wrapped around hers.

He was talking and she knew she should be paying attention, but she was sixteen and stupidly in love with Ben Solo of all people and couldn't focus on anything other than the fact that he was this close to her.

Her gaze fell to his mouth and she couldn't count the times that she had wondered if it was as kissable as it looked. And just as many times she had told herself that he was out of her reach.

A plate dropped onto the table and she jumped, finding Maz there staring at the two of them with her hands on her hips. For some reason she felt her face heat up and felt guilty.

"I didn't order that." Ben mentioned and motioned to the burger and ice cream brought along with his order.

"It's on the house. Tonight is your big night after all." Maz informed him.

"Oh, uh... thank you, Maz."

Ben had moved away from her at that point so that he could work on his meal, but he did make a point to split it with her and they shared a nice, quiet and peaceful lunch together just like old times when he used to bring her here for ice cream when she was younger.

It was an odd thing. How time passed. Having those sweet memories, but no matter how badly you wanted to go back you could only visit with them. You could never really go back to those good times.

Moments like these. Before Ben would become a priest.

Lunch was over before she wanted it to be and she had to slide out of the booth so that Ben could get up no matter how badly she just wanted to keep him here forever with her so that he couldn't become a priest. So that he wouldn't become so far away and out of her reach.

"I'll see you tonight?" Ben asked, leaning to give her one more hug before his parting.

"Mmhm." Rey nodded, tried to put on her best smile as she watched him take a step back and then turn for the door. Watching him leave had never felt so hard.

"That boy loves you." Maz pipped up from behind the counter.

"Sure. Like a sister."

"Child, that boy has come here every day since you started." Of course the old woman continued to insist. "You know when you live long enough-"

"I think those eyes of yours need some better glasses." Rey cut her off before she even finished that saying of hers. She had heard it a million times to know well enough what Maz was going to say.

"Hmmm." Maz didn't sound happy, but it passed fairly quickly. "Hurry and clock out, girl or you're going to be late."

"You're letting me go early?"

"Of course. This is a big occasion." Maz wiped her hands on her apron and went to flip off the open light on the door. "I'll drive."

Rey smiled slightly and shook her head, but the deeply religious woman was unsurprisingly going to be shutting down early for something like this. She was glad though, because that meant that she would be there for Ben when he needed her.

Maz kindly drove her home to get changed before they headed towards the Cathedral and she was very thankful for it, because walking or taking the bus would have made her late and this wasn't something that she wanted to be late for.

Leia was there and waving her over with a kind smile. It seemed even Han had come into town again for tonight. Which was... sort of surprising, because Han wasn't around a lot... most of the year he was off looking for lost relics.

"Has anyone seen Ben?" Luke approached them.

"What do you mean?" Leia sat up a bit straighter.

"I mean... he was getting ready and he was supposed to show up five minutes ago... he's late."

"I'll find him." Rey spoke up and to suddenly have all three of them looking towards her the moment she spoke made her a bit nervous. She never liked a lot of eyes on her.

"That would be wonderful, dear. Thank you." Leia was the first one to make it less awkward which she appreciated.

There was one place that she knew Ben would be and that was where she went to look for him, because she knew he liked to hide there away from the rest of the world. He had explained to her once a long time ago that he felt at home among the gargoyles because he looked so much like one. She had never agreed with that, but he never believed otherwise.

Just as she suspected he was there. Pacing back and forth nervously. Running his hands through his hair so often that she thought if he kept it up he wouldn't have any left.

"Ben?" She kept her voice gentle as she didn't want to startle him, but he still jumped when he heard it.

"I don't think I can do this."

"Why? You've been working so hard for years for this." It didn't make sense to her why all of a sudden he was going to insist that he couldn't do something he had trained so hard and long for.

"You know why..." He whispered, taking in a shuddering breath. "You know what happened with Snoke... you're the only person who knows... everyone thinks that I'm... chaste... and I'm not... I feel like I'm... like I'm lying to God by taking this oath."

"You can't lie to God." Rey stated, but meant so literally. That it was impossible to lie to God, because God knew everything.

"I know that..." Ben admitted, but then sighed and dropped to sit down against the wall. "But maybe I'm not worthy of this."

With her own sigh Rey moved to sit down beside Ben. It was a long time ago that they had sat up here together. The first time they came up here Ben had been discussing the gargoyles with her. Teaching and explaining the world as always.

_"Some of them aren't gargoyles. They're grotesques. "Gargoyle" comes from the French word gargouille, which means "throat." If it doesn't drain water it isn't a gargoyle... it's a grotesque." Ben explained._

_"Why are they there though?"_

_"That's debatable." He continued with a brief pause. "Some people like to say it's because of the legend of La Gargouille... a terrible dragon and the priest that came to defeat it."_

_"A dragon?"_

_"Mmhm. They say that once the priest defeated it they mounted the dragon's head on the church, but it's just a legend. Snoke always said that they were there to remind us that a damned afterlife is one of pain and suffering. That they represent the demons outside versus the sanctity and safety of the church inside."_

_"Oh."_

_"That's pretty scary isn't it? But really... they're just there to keep rainwater and evil spirits away from the church."_

"Ben, do you remember when we first met and you promised you would be my teacher?" She asked and watched him nod briefly. "Well you did... you taught me everything that I know about the Cathedral... and you... were amazing at it. That's why I know you're going to be an amazing priest... you're so good and so sincere. The world could really use more priests like you."

"I'm not so sure that I'm good." He answered. "I don't feel good."

"You told me once that feelings don’t determine if forgiveness took place or not. That as long as you were sincerely repent in your heart then you could be forgiven for anything."

"I know..."

"You don't believe that?"

"I do. Just-"

"Just not for yourself." Rey finished for him and watched the way he lowered his head in a silent acknowledgement. "Ben that isn't fair. I know you're a good person in your heart. I know you're forgiven for whatever sins you think you've committed."

"You're right." He took another deep breath, then slowly stood up and held out his hand to help her up. "thank you... for that... I really needed it."

"I'm just glad that I could help you for once. You've helped me so many times." She really was glad that she had been able to talk him down. She knew how hard he had worked to get to this point.

"I think... I think I'm ready now." Ben reached up to adjust his clothing and try to look more the part of the priest that he was about to become.

With that he turned and made his way down the steps and she slowly trailed after him and tried to fight the feeling of dread that she felt rising up in her chest. Once he did this there would be a wall between them. That much she knew.

His family was there waiting and Luke was hurrying him along as his ordination was beginning now and it was a little bit late due to his cold feet.

Rey took her seat by herself in hopes that Leia wouldn't ask her if something was wrong and force her to lie in church. She sighed and wrapped her arms around herself while she watched the ceremony begin.

Ben had to make several solemn promises before God to bishop Lor San Tekka who was here specially for this ceremony. Once he had made these she watched as he took place prostrate before the alter in reverence and submission to God. She suspected that it must be extremely uncomfortable to lie on the cold marble floors, but this was his show of devotion. It was something that he was more than happy to do despite any discomforts it caused him.

The bells up in the towers rang and the organ lightly struck up as the group of priests stepped forward.

"Kýrie, eléison. Christe, eléison. Christe, exaudi nos. Pater de cælis, Deus. Miserére nobis. Fili, Redémptor mundi, Deus. Miserére nobis. Spíritus Sancte, Deus. Miserére nobis. Sancta Trínitas, unus Deus. Miserére nobis. Sancta María. Ora pro nobis." Luke began the Litany of the Saints which was beautiful in it's own regards, but very long.  
  
The entire atmosphere had changed.  
  
Regardless of how she felt it was an extremely beautiful and touching ceremony. It felt holy in a way that she couldn't explain, but at the same time she also felt a little sorry for Ben because he had to lie there uncomfortably throughout the entire Litany of the Saints which took about sixteen minutes to get through. Yet he still obediently laid there without moving an inch the entire time. She couldn't help being impressed with how truly dedicated he was. It didn't surprise her of course. She knew in her heart of hearts that Ben really would be a good priest.

Once the prayer was finished Ben was allowed to kneel before bishop Lor San Tekka who placed his hands upon his head and the other priests all followed the gesture as Tekka prayed a prayer of consecration.

"The Father anointed our Lord Jesus Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit. May Jesus preserve you to sanctify the Christian people and to offer sacrifice to God." Tekka spoke a he held up a small jar which was used to anoint Ben's hands with oil and then Tekka presented him with bread and wine next and once Ben had eaten and drank Tekka proceeded to welcome him into the Priesthood. Just like that all those years of hard work had paid off.

Ben was a priest and while Rey was really genuinely so happy for him she was also brokenhearted. A deep gut wrenching ache, because it had put an end to her foolish fantasies of a romance with Ben Solo once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Litany of the Saints  
https://youtu.be/uOBfXncaDbY


	8. Líbera nos Dómine

Ben had been a priest for about a month now and all her fears had become painfully, achingly true. Despite signing up for art classes with him that was really the only time that she saw Ben anymore. He was so busy now... always working... always doing his priestly duties. It wasn't as if she hadn't seen it coming. She had known. So why did it hurt so much?

To top it off she couldn't stop the uncomfortable ache in her stomach. It had been this way for two days and it had only been seeming to get worse for some odd reason or another... she thought perhaps she ate something bad or maybe she was coming down with something.

Either way she needed a moment from the blinding hallway lights that seemed to be making her migraine even worse. 

She opted for the restrooms and slid inside one of the stalls just so that she could sit down and try to think. Get herself out of that dark place in her mind... a place in which she wasn't sure if she had fallen... or if she had jumped.

All that she needed was this quiet space so that she could get her head together. Just for a little while. School could wait for once.

A door creaked open and Rey heard the rush of the hallway outside before it closed again and the click of heels on the title floors. Right. So much for that quiet that she needed so badly. What had she expected?

"Maybe I'm being extra crispy sensitive, but Mr. Solo wouldn't know art if it bit him in the ass." A voice came with a scoff. "No wonder he became a priest. He'll be a virgin forever with that face."  
  
Ben. They were talking about Ben.

"Totally true, but you have to admit... it would be really fun to corrupt a priest." A much more familiar voice answered.

Rey carefully tried to get a look through the crack in the door at the girls and at first she only saw a shoulder as the two girls were fixing up their makeup in the mirror, but the first to turn around and light up a cigarette she recognized as Bazine Netal which automatically told her that the other girl was her cousin Victoria Netal.

They were rich, entitled snobs. If those girls were to become beacons of righteousness then the future was looking pretty hopeless.

"Mr. Solo? I'm sure he's already corrupt. You know what they say about altar boys."

"You're probably right." Bazine laughed.

Rey on the other hand... she was furious. How could they make jokes about something so serious? They had no idea what Ben had gone through and what it had done to him. She could still even to this day hear him crying in his sleep from down the hall at night.

Those things that had happened had never left him... had made his life a true living hell and these girls made jokes about it. 

"Hey, you know how to get a nun pregnant? You dress her up as an altar boy."

That was it. That was the final straw and Rey took a deep breath and unlocked the door to step out in hopes that these two would shut their mouths once they realized she had heard them.

Both girls froze when they saw her, but they didn't really seem threatened or intimidated by her. Not that they would... they knew very well she didn't have rich parents to get her out of trouble like they did.

"Look. Little dumpster girl is spying on us." Victoria mentioned.

"It's a public restroom." Rey reminded with a roll of her eyes, but that didn't seem to satisfy the two.

The door opened and she had to fight the sort of smile that wanted to come to her face because that sort of proved her 'public' point and rubbed it in their faces. She could tell it irritated them. It irritated them too well perhaps.

"Oh, hold on. My dad is calling. You'd know all about that." Bazine reached into her bag, but then her tone became sardonic and she locked eyes with Rey. "Oh wait... you wouldn't."   
  
It was like she had just been physically hit and Rey was stunned. Unable to move or reply to such a brutal remark that struck such a deep nerve that she physically felt it. There were mean and cruel people in the world. She had always known this, but to say something like that was unimaginable.

"Wow!" The newcomer's voice spoke up. "You're such a bitch not even the devil himself would sleep with you."

Both Netal's jaws dropped and they looked over to see Rose Tico standing there. Hands on her hips as she looked over the two girls that were stunned by the comment and seemed not to even have a reply.

"Excuse me?" Victoria asked, flabbergasted.

"You heard me." Rose didn't back down and remained there, arms crossed and staring them down as fierce as a tiger.

"Let's get out of here. We don't have to take this." Bazine put her cigarette out and then her cousin followed after her, but not without a mutter under her breath towards Rose.

"Coolie."

It didn't seem to affect Rose though, because she just rolled her eyes at the two older girls as they stepped out.

"Are you alright?" Rose asked and Rey shook her head.

"I should be asking you that." 

"I've heard worse." 

"Regardless... thanks." Rey did appreciate it, but she still felt terrible. 

"What are friends for?" Rose offered that kind and sincere smile. She really was the best friend that anyone could ever have in so many ways. "Is everything alright? You've been... sort of wonky the past month."

"I came in here for a little quiet to clear my head. You can see how that worked out." Rey smiled weakly, but Rose was as understanding as ever. As she stepped forward to place her hands on the sink and try to take in her reflection she noted how concerned her friend looked.

"I get it. I really do. If Finn became a priest I don't know how I would ever get over it." As Rose said it she wrapped her arms around herself just at the mere thought of losing Finn. Except there was a pause. "Uhm... Rey... you've got some red on you. Starting early?"

The bell rang and both girls looked up, both frowned because that was not enough time to deal with this.

Reaching back she touched the big red stain on the back of her skirt and sighed. Oh. So that was why she had such a stomach ache. It wasn't a stomach ache at all. Worse Rose was still there, looking nervous and seemingly prepared to skip class just to help her. It would be wrong to make her miss class when she already did so much for her all the time. If ever there was a true friend in the world it was Rose.

"It's fine... you can't miss class. I'll take care of it." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Completely." 

There was still reluctance as Rose finally backed out of the restroom and hurried back to class and while Rey was grateful she was also grateful for the peace and the quiet. Just for a moment longer, but... she also had to deal with this problem now too.

With the back of her skirt soaked in blood she knew she couldn't go out or she'd end up a laughing stock so she took a moment... tried to think about what she should do so that she didn't have to go out there and face that. She would never live it down if she did.

When she first started coming here she thought the school would be better, but Finn liked to joke and say the only difference between public school and Catholic school was that there were better drugs.

It wasn't a choice that she wanted to have to make, but she had no other options and so she went down the road of texting Ben. Even if it was perhaps the most embarrassing thing she had ever had to ask him for help with.

It was a little bit of a wait, but not nearly as long as it could have been before she heard a knock at the door and the creak of it opening slowly.

"Rey?" 

"I'm alone." She answered since she knew he probably feared coming into the girl's bathroom if there were any girls in here aside from her. 

With all the scandal around priests it probably wouldn't look good if he came in here even if it was just so he could help her. Still she heard the door open up the rest of the way and he stepped inside.

"I brought uhh.... a change of clothes for you and ahhh... ahem... this." He held out the change of clothing which looked comically small in his massive paws.

Except she frowned as she took the clothing and eyed the carefully wrapped padding because it was just a couple and there was no package telling her how she was meant to do any of this. Not to mention she was just really starting to ache worse and worse as time went on.

He turned around for her so that he could give her privacy. 

"No package with instructions or anything?" Rey felt nervous about the whole concept and she heard the shift of fabric as he turned and gave her an odd look over his shoulder.

"What? You... use the ah, the other... kind?"

"No... this is the first time."

"The first time? I don't... I don't understand."

"I've... never had one before." Rey wasn't sure how to explain all of this to him and honestly the whole thing was so embarrassing. She had a very, very basic education on it all, but the problem was this was the first time she had ever bled before and she didn't know what to do exactly. "Your mother took me to the doctor and she said it might be a problem... because I was so malnourished for so long..."

"Oh." He turned his eyes back towards the door instead of looking at her.

"We don't have to talk about it if it's making you uncomfortable... I know how boys get." It was an easy out if Ben was grossed out, but she only heard a slight shuffle as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. 

"I'm not uncomfortable. It's just natural."

Rey paused in changing skirt and underwear and looked over at him for a moment, still respectfully with his back to her. It did surprise her that he had thought so, because for the most part the boys always complained about it as if it was the most disgusting thing in the world to them.

"Really...?" She asked incredulously. "You know it's always good enough for the boys when they want sex, but all of a sudden there's a little blood and it's the most appalling thing in the world to them."

"What?" Ben's voice changed and she saw the way he turned as if he was going to look before catching himself and making sure he didn't just in case she was still changing. "You're not having sex are you?"

"No!" Oh, no. She did not want Ben thinking that she was sleeping around and she dreaded that she had somehow given him the wrong impression. He was a priest and she could only imagine how he would look at her if he thought that about her.

"Good." 

There was something in the way that he said that which had her really watching his back. It was strange to hear his voice come out like that. It couldn't be that he was jealous. There was no way that he was jealous. Ben was a priest. That was the furthest thing from his mind, but... it had almost sounded like he was.

It must simply be some sort of priestly concern for her soul.

"I should get back to class." She decided, smoothing out the clean skirt and debating on throwing the dirty one away or not, because blood was so hard to get out of clothing.

"Skip it." 

"What?"

"I said skip it." Ben risked a brief glance over his shoulder to make certain she was decent before turning around. "You're not feeling well... this is the first time you're having to go through this. I can't imagine how you must feel. I'll fill out the paperwork myself."

For a moment she considered protesting, but he was correct. She did not feel well at all and it was perhaps the worst she had ever felt. As if her body was making up for all the lost periods that she should have had by now. 

Instead of speaking she nodded and Ben started out of the restroom. Thankfully everyone was in class and there was nobody that was going to see him and suspect the worst even if he was only in there to help her.

Once in the hallway he slowed down so that he could walk by her side and even reached out to place his hand lightly on the small of her back.

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired." She decided to be honest with Ben, because he really was here to care that she wasn't feeling well. It was really a lot for a man to be concerned about a woman's issue like this. More often than not that wasn't the case.

"Can I do anything for you?" His tone was softer, soothing.

"No. You've done enough already." Rey didn't actually know what he had been doing when she called him, but she was sure he had probably been busy before he dropped everything to come and help her.

And maybe... if she admitted it to herself... she had perhaps subconscious decided on Ben as the person to help just because he had been so busy she hardly saw him anymore and she just wanted to be with him again. 

"How about lunch?" 

"Not this time." She shook her head, because she felt far too nauseated to even think about eating. 

"Mm... you turning down food... now I know you're not fit for class." His mouth quirked up into that humorous half smile.

She had really missed this with him. Spending time with him and having him talking to her... she couldn't really remember the last time that they had really spent time like this together since he had gotten so busy.

Leading her through the backdoor of the cathedral they both stepped through and made their way around from the back to the front of the church where there were two men standing and speaking in quiet tones.

It took just a moment to recognize them, but the moment that they did she felt Ben's hand drop from her immediately as he looked down the isle at them with an expression boarding on pure terror.

"Hello, Benjamin. It's been a long time."

Snoke. He was back.

She quickly looked up towards Ben's face and watched the way that something inside of him reverted back to that young broken boy. That thousand yard stare that she so often saw in photos of young men at war.

"Ben?" Luke raised a grey brow and gestured for him to come over. 

"Huh?" Ben sort of just glanced around the room and looked confused, so Rey carefully reached up to grab his sleeve. She wanted to get him out of here.

"Come." Snoke held out a hand and urged him forward. He wore Cardinal red now, but all Rey could think of was the devil.

Despite her efforts to hold Ben back he stumbled forward, because years of gaslighting didn't go away just like that.

"Snoke was just telling me that he's been handpicked by the Pope... you could learn a thing or two from him." Luke had a sort of smile, but he did notice the look on Ben's face and seemed to be questioning something. 

In the end he didn't. Luke didn't question and Rey half wanted to scream at him to notice. 

"I do so miss those days when I taught here. The confessional is really the only place I can be my self." There was something more coded in those words specifically meant for Ben. "Do you remember? When you were down on your knees and you looked at me with those wide eyes? I would love to be your teacher again..."

Snoke reached out a hand and placed it on Ben's shoulder. As if it was something friendly, but Ben's reaction was far from friendly. It was violent and he was unable to stop himself from vomiting all over Snoke's shoes.

"Ben!" Luke shouted and looked on in horror at Snoke's expensive shoes and robes now covered in yellow bile.

"I... I'm... really sorry... I... think I ate something bad..." Ben still covered things up even now and she hated it, but she also knew that she had to get him out of here and away from Snoke once and for all.

"Father Solo I have something that I need to confess." Rey spoke up and all eyes were on her... including Snoke and that smug little smirk he always wore. "Right now. It's urgent really... I... fear for my mortal soul."

It was cringe worthy, but it worked because she was able to grab Ben's arm and drag him away from the group towards Luke's office in the back where she hoped that she might be able to talk to him alone and keep him from Snoke.

Once they were inside she pushed him towards the leather couch and watched as he slumped down onto it without a word.

"Do you even know how to confess?" Ben asked quietly.

"Ben..." While she wanted to get him back from that far off distance place and talk to him about this she knew that it might not be the way and so she decided not to push. Not now. He always opened up more when he was talking about the church. When he was teaching her. It was the better way to get him back. "No... I don't know anything... maybe you can tell me?"

"You uhh... you... have to... come into the confessional... kneel... cross yourself... start with "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been however long since my last confession..." Ben sort of stuttered... sort of rambled and she let him, because that was what he needed to do... just talk. Even if it wasn't really relevant. "Then you say an act of contrition... get your "Hail Marys" and an equal number of “Our Fathers.” before I... get to the whole... prayer which is something like... "through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and the Holy Spirit. The Lord has freed you from your sins. Go in peace.""

Rey waited patiently for him to finish rambling and then watched him sort of get a little back into focus as he slowly glanced up at her... and oh, he was waiting for her to confess. He actually thought she needed to confess something to him. It seemed he had been so far gone he hadn't been able to process or realize what was really going on when she dragged him out of there. He had shut down. Didn't know she was just trying to save him.

A little tiny part of her almost wanted to confess that she wanted to kiss him and see what would happen, but in the end she was too afraid to confess the truth to him.

"I... lied to Rose that I was sick and couldn't make it to a party with her and Finn because I didn't want to hang out that day." She answered perhaps too quickly and he quirked a brow.

“I think you’re being too hard on yourself." Ben began. "For your penance, try to have some fun.”

"You're kidding..." It almost felt too easy.

"I can give you one Hail Mary and Our Father if it makes you feel better?" 

It seemed that Ben really didn't think her lie was such a big deal. Not as big a deal as she thought it was going to make since she knew how Ben despised when people lied. Even if he had lied about Snoke, but she also knew that was a little different.

"Is it horrible? Hearing all those sins?" She asked softly, wondering how he managed considering everything.

"No. Not at all. In fact it's the exact opposite. I get to come face to face with the power of God’s love and forgiveness every day." His answer came with ease and sincerity. "I couldn't think of anything better."

She guessed that sort of shocked her, because she really hadn't expected that someone that had to face the things that he did could possibly look at things so positively, but he did. It must be why he was a priest. He was just so good.

After a moment she began to walk, looking up at the pictures on the wall and seeing a few priests there. Their names under... Yoda, Windu... there was Jinn and Kenobi with a smiling young boy sitting between the two of them and another Skywalker up there that wasn't Luke which seemed to be that boy years later, but she stopped on one particular picture.

It was a picture of Snoke and Ben sitting on his lap, but there was something so off about this picture she didn't understand how nobody saw anything was wrong. It was nothing like the picture of the other two priest and the boy. No real happiness. There was that thousand yard stare in Ben's eyes as he looked off somewhere beyond the camera. There was the way that Snoke's hands were possessively curled around Ben's wrist around his body. It was sickening.  
  


"Did you... have to confess to Snoke...?" Rey was trying to prod gently, but she heard his inhale and heard the creak of the leather as he shifted uncomfortably.

"I was uhm... I think eight. My mother and Luke thought I was ready for my first Confession and Communion. You're... meant to confess for the first time before you're allowed to take Communion." He began just as cautiously as she had when speaking.

"What was it like?"

"It was terrifying. It was like waiting to be executed by a firing squad." He shook his head and sighed, brought a hand up to rub over his face. "I felt completely naked and just when you think it can't get any worse I lied... I had no idea what to say so I just... made something up on the spot just so I could get out. But by that point... I was so scared I pissed myself. It was humiliating."

"Was that... the first time that he...?" She trailed off because she didn't want to use the word, but Ben shook his head.

"No... not at that point. He just wanted to know if I had... committed any sexual sins... I guess he... well... I guess he got off on hearing them from people." He waved a hand as he continued speaking. "I just thought at the time that... you know... it was something he asked everybody."

It still hurt her to hear what he had gone through. She wished that she could find a way to go back in time and protect him from all of that, but it just wasn't within the realm of possibility. The past had happened. There was no going back. They had to live in the now.

Live in the now and hope for the future.

At least in this moment right now she could do her very best to try to comfort him. It was clear from his expression that even though he was trying to shove all of it down and pretend that it wasn't... it was bothering him a great deal.

"Why didn't you ever tell your uncle? Or your parents?" Rey couldn't really keep from asking that question even if she worried how it was going to make him feel.

"They wouldn't have believed me... any time I ever tried to tell them anything... they were too busy with work... or dismissed what I was saying." He glanced away from her to some distant place far off place. "Who would ever have believed me if I told them that the monster under the bed was real for me?"

Sighing Rey moved to sit down on the couch next to him. She wanted to reach out and hold him, but she wasn't sure if he wanted to be touched right now. She knew he never wanted to be touched after he had one of his nightmares.

"And he... told me that it was my penance. It was the only way to pay for my sins..." He continued on, though cautiously. It was the first time they really talked about this. "I had no reason not to believe it... my grandfather... I know he did terrible things... and I know my father always said there was too much of my grandfather in me."

"Ben... you're the gentlest person I know." She really wanted him to know that she truly believed that he was and very cautiously reached out to touch his face. To brush over the scar there. "And you saved me... you didn't have to."

"I could never let him do to you what he did to me..."

"You never told me how you got this exactly." 

"I-..." He started and then stopped. Wasn't sure really how to say it. "He dragged me into his office after you left... he was so angry that I defied him he grabbed the poker from the fireplace... gave me a taste of hellfire for my "sacrilege"."

"I'm sorry I ran away. That I didn't help you."

"You were a child."

"So were you." She responded quickly because it was an opportunity to prove a point. It seemed to have done just that because his mouth snapped shut and he looked stunned. As if the realization had only now come to him after all these years. Maybe it did. "You're too hard on yourself."

Drawing her hand down his neck, right along the scar, she leaned forward and pressed a kiss against the jagged, scarred skin all the while wondering if he had any feeling left or if he was numb to it due to the damage that had been done.

"Re-..." He was about to speak. About to say something and then he was jumping up from the couch and putting distance between them as fast as he could. At first she thought it was because of her... what she had done when he was a priest, but his next words proved otherwise. "Han. What are you doing here?"

Turning she noted Han Solo standing there in the door way, hands stuffed into his pockets as he looked between the two of them with a raised brow.

"Finalizing the divorce papers. Thought I'd come see you." Han reminded him. The marriage hadn't been working for whatever reason. It was public knowledge the senator was getting divorced. All over the papers... as if it was the business of other people what went on in their personal lives. "You remember that girl is sixteen don't you?"

"It's not like that." Ben insisted almost panicked in the way he said it.

Rey sighed and gave him a pointed look as if to say 'really?' because surely he had to know that jumping up the way that he had certainly made it look like it was something that it wasn't. Although she imagined a life time of people assuming the worst about him would make him that way.

"Look. I get it Ben. You're a hot blooded Solo. I never really thought you were going to be able to do this celibacy thing... it isn't as if you let me down or something." Han spoke dismissively about it as if that ceremony had meant nothing. It clearly upset that his father didn't have faith in him. "But the girl is under age."

A big part of her wanted to argue with Han and yell at him about her age, because she was sixteen and she could make whatever choices that she wanted. In fact there were plenty of states that agreed with her. Countries where girls got married even younger... but she said none of these things, because that would make it look like they were guilty.

"It wasn't like that..." Rey tried and Han gave her a disbelieving look.

"Rey, honey... look... as it is... he's older than you... he's a priest at your church..." Han started and Rey paled because she sort of knew where this was going. "You don't need to feel like you have to give into him because he's some... figurative doorway to some magical God."

"Are you accusing me of..." Ben started and then he couldn't even finish because he was so upset, but something changed in him and his fists clenched up tightly. Not only had his father not believed in him and what he was doing, but he also thought something like that of him. It pushed him too far. "You... you weren't there when I needed you! Now you're here trying to protect her when I would never do what he did to me?!"

"What?" Han looked between the two of them. "He? Who is he?"

Rey's eyes widened when Ben slipped after having so carefully held onto it, but Han had pushed him and now it was out and Ben was shaking his head and pretending he hadn't said it at all, but it had been enough. She thought maybe it was better that his family would finally know the truth and so she said nothing.

"No... I didn't mean to say that."

"Damnit, Ben what the hell is going on?!" Han's rage seemed to just incite Ben's.

"How could you not know?! I waited! I waited for you to notice that something was wrong... you or mom or uncle Luke... but nobody noticed. Nobody came to save me! Why didn't you notice? Why didn't you ever notice?!" Ben lashed out, like an animal backed into a corner, but even through the rage there were tears in his eyes.

"Ben..." Han was horrified. A real, true murderous rage towards whoever had done this to his boy. "Tell me who! Tell who-" Something changed. Han didn't finish and there was a choking cut off of words and Han's hand came up and he grabbed his chest.

"Dad?" It was the first time in years that Ben had called his father that instead of just 'Han' and now something was wrong. 

"Mr. Solo?" Rey was up as well and moving towards him to stop him from falling, but before either of them could reach him Han let out a groan and dropped to his knees. "I'll get Father Luke."

As Rey rushed out the last thing she saw was Ben carefully moving his father onto the couch and desperately trying to figure out what he needed to do. Even as she hurried down the hall he still had caught the tail end of Ben's pleading voice.

_"Dad, please... I'm sorry... I'm so, so sorry.... I didn't mean it... please... please don't leave me... please, dad... please I love you, please..."_

The rest happened so fast when she tracked down Luke. He was dropping a bottle of wine and running, ignoring the way that it spilled right there before the alter, spreading out across the floor like fresh blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Just not happy with how this chapter turned out. It feels like it could be executed better and more detailed, but it is what it is. I can't agonize over it any longer.
> 
> Celtic Woman - Amazing Grace  
https://youtu.be/5_OQxElM94g


	9. Gloria in excelsis Deo

There was something so very oddly cynical about how life continued on even after someone died. The entire world just continued on. People went about their lives... while the family suffered in utter turmoil. Sure there were people's "Oh, I'm so sorrys" but that was just something that they said. A common courtesy. It didn't mean anything to those people.

They were just words.

After Han died Luke made Ben take a leave of absence so that he could have some time to himself and recover. And what was worse was that Ben blamed himself for what happened despite the doctors telling him that Han's heart had been bad for some time before and it had nothing to do with their fight.

Shortly after Han's death Ben's 'uncle' Lando had shown up intent on taking care of Leia. It wasn't so much that she needed to be taken care of, but rather the fact that he had always promised Han that he would watch out for her if anything happened to him.

And Ben moved out just after that.

He let with Han's RV lovingly dubbed the S.S. Millennium Falcon. It surprised everyone because it had been something that had always driven Ben insane along with him insisting that the thing was not a fancy Luxury Yacht and had no right being named as such.

In the end she guessed it didn't matter because Ben took it. He took that and he took Chewie and they went somewhere far into the mountains for awhile. 

He missed her eighteenth birthday. She knew she shouldn't be upset when he was grieving even still, but she would have loved for him to have been there. There was no greater disappointment when he was the only person she really, truly wanted to be there.

What was even worse was that he stopped coming to Maz's for lunch. It was as if he was deliberately avoiding her since his father died. Maybe because one of the last things that Han ever said happened to be that their relationship was inappropriate. 

"Earth to Rey." Rose's voice cut through her thoughts.

"You gonna eat that?" Finn gestured to her untouched sandwich and so Rey fiercely took a bite out of it just to silently prove that, yes. She was indeed going to eat it. Let them just try to take a single bite of her food.

The bell rang and Rey groaned in frustration, because she had been so lost in her thoughts about everything that she hadn't gotten to have her lunch. 

"You two go ahead." She wouldn't let her friends be late and she really needed to have at least half this sandwich, because she didn't want to go through the torment of the entire school day without having eaten anything at all.

She was never one to waste food either.

And... maybe it was because she didn't really feel like seeing Ben today, because the next and last class she had was his. It wasn't right of her to be so upset with him, but she was. She also knew that he wasn't going to report her for not attending even if she didn't show up and that she would be able to get away with it because he was soft with her.

She lingered even after she finished lunch. Walked as slowly as possible to throw away wrappers and put the tray up in the now empty cafeteria. It was so very odd to be in here when it was so quiet.

But of course she knew that she couldn't hide forever and so with a resigned sigh she left the cafeteria and headed out into the halls. It was fairly quiet now. She preferred it that way, because for the past years it was as if everything had just been so loud. All she wanted was for it to be quiet again just for a little while.

The walk inevitably led her to Ben's classroom and she knew that she was going to have to apologize to him for missing his class. Even if she honestly didn't want to talk to him or look at him right now. 

He had made her a promise that he would always have time for her and he broke that promise. She knew she should be understanding, but even with her friends she had felt so lonely. And Finn and Rose were being weird around one another since Finn had been spending time with Poe again.

That was the thing with Finn. She had no idea what it was that Finn wanted. Maybe even Finn didn't know what it was that he wanted, but she heartbroken for Rose if something changed and suddenly their relationship was thrown under the bus. Rose was so good and sweet... she deserved only good things happening to her. She hoped things went alright for her friend.

It just seemed like everything was falling apart around her right now. Her relationship with Ben... her relationship with her friends because they were having issues with one another... and her own life at the same time. 

Too much. It was too much.

There would be no silence here. The voices from the art room confirmed it.

"I think my favorite from the ancient art category would have to be the El Castillo Cave Paintings. They're the oldest of their kind. They have a certain something about them... of course I'm even partial to the Lion Man of the Hohlenstein Stadel. I can't say some of the others in the category speak to me quite the way those piece do."  
  
Ben's voice came drifting out through the door and Rey almost rolled her eyes. There he went again with those facts of his. He always loved to talk about things and the details of them. To go on about each delicate detail no matter how small it was.

"What about extra credit?" That irritatingly familiar voice of Bazine Netal filtered through the door. 

"This class isn't dependent on extra credit. We don't do that. I'm sorry." Ben responded.

Rey inched a bit closer to the door to peer inside. She almost smiled, because Bazine deserved whatever bad grade that she got. The preppy snob. It would suit her just fine if she happened fail. Maybe it was wrong to wish ill on Bazine, but it was hard not to when she was such a terrible person.

"You should. I could make it worth your while. Otherwise I might have to tell people you offered extra credit for favors or something..." Bazine responded. A silence followed and then the scrape of a chair as Ben stood up. It was overstepping her boundaries and Bazine seemed to realize that, because she took a step back.

"You'll tell them that?" Ben reached forward and grabbed her by the arm, Bazine struggled, but he still managed to rip her bag away from her and dug through it. "Ah, what's this? The Witches' Bible: A Book of Shadows for Wiccans, Witches, and Other Practitioners of Magic. Miss Netal... this is a Catholic school... these are grounds to expel you."

"Expel me? You can't do that! You'll ruin my life."

"You threatened to ruin mine with false accusations! If I issued a search of your locker right now I imagine I'd find plenty of reasons." Ben slammed the book down on his desk with a loud bang that echoed through his classroom. "Take your book and get out."

Bazine quickly snatched her book from his desk and held it to her chest like a shield between the two of them as she started to back out of the classroom, clearly shaken by the thought of being expelled from class.

That was Rey's cue to leave. She didn't want to get in the middle of this... and she wasn't so sure she wanted to explain to Ben why she missed class when he was so angry. It was hard to recall a time when she had seen him that angry, but if she had to guess... being accused of being a predator after having been the victim of one had to bring up the worst kind of rage in someone.

Maybe the worst kind of hurt, but the anger covered it, because it was easier to be angry than to be hurt.

And it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Ben had to go through all of this pain all the time. That people were always singling him out as if he were the devil incarnate. It was like he could never catch a break when he deserved one more than anyone did.

She should have gone home, but she didn't. Instead she found herself automatically walking to the chapel again in search of that quiet. This place had brought her peace plenty of other times and perhaps it was time now to give prayer a shot.

Taking her place in a pew more towards the back she enjoyed the quiet here. The peace of it all. So unlike any other place.

At least here in this place she manage to get that peace that she had been seeking out and she wasn't sure how many hours had passed, but she was aware of the light fading because the stained glass windows were no longer painting the room with specks of rainbow.

Exactly the same as it had been when she was a child. At least there were some things that never changed. It was a comforting thought that at least this cathedral would always be here just as it had always been.

The door creaked open, the heavy wood straining the hinges. 

It was the worst possible time for someone to walk in, because she became more self aware and noted that there were tears rolling down her face. All those bottled up emotions and feelings had spilled out and now she was desperately wiping at her face to try to cover them up, but it didn't work and so she settled on trying to pretend that she was praying, hiding her face in her hands.

The footsteps coming in slowed and finally came to a stop next to her.

"Rey?" Ben. That was just great. That was the last thing that she needed right now. She didn't want him to see her crying. "Is everything alright?"

Too late. She heard the shift of clothing as he sat down next to her. It was hard to try to get her voice together to make some sort of attempt to steady her voice so it wasn't too obvious, but she was terrified that the moment she opened her mouth her voice would crack and give it all away.

And if she didn't say anything? That may give it away just as well.

"Sweetheart, what's the matter?" His tone softened considerably and she heard him move again.

"You."

"Me...?" There was a silence that passed between them. "Would you like me to leave?"

"No." She didn't want him to leave. Avoiding one another wasn't working. Wiping at her eyes she tried to make herself somewhat worthy of a serious conversation. "You lied to me."

"I lied to you?" Now his tone switched from gentle to utterly confused. "What exactly did I lie about?"

"I know it isn't fair to you... I know that... you lost your father and I should be more understanding, but you missed my birthday. You've been avoiding me." She knew that she must sound like an absolute child whining about such trivial things, but she had to get all that she had been holding in out once and for all. 

"You're right. It isn't fair." Ben acknowledged and for a moment she was sure that he was going to decide that he was finished with her and abandon her just like everyone else had. "It isn't fair to either of us."

That wasn't exactly what she had been expecting, but perhaps she should have been. It was Ben after all. He really wasn't like everyone else.

"You promised me that once you became a priest things wouldn't change between us. They did... and it's worse now than ever." She hesitated with the next part, because this was the most difficult thing that she was ever going to say. It had the potential to break them. "You promised me that my feelings for you would go away... they didn't."

"You..." Ben started and then he stopped and there was a long drawn out silence. It was hard to judge based on complete silence if it was a good or a bad thing, but she did risk looking at him and when she did she could practically see the gears turning inside his head. 

He was really thinking He was really, really thinking about it and that made her so afraid. She may very well have ruined her friendship with him and so she decided to do what she had always done... she started to get up in preparation to run.

Just as she was standing he stood as well and grabbed her by the wrist and prevented her from leaving. This really was bad.

"Let go." 

"We're going to talk about this." The way he said it and led her to the confessional she felt that it was the worst possible thing that could have ever happened. She really had ruined everything by telling him. "I think there are some things that I need to say too."

Right. It just got worse didn't it?

So while she wanted to just run the moment he opened the door and stepped into his side she thought that maybe she should go, but she also knew that she wanted to hear whatever it was that he had to say and just get this over with.

Maybe it would be better for the both of them if he told her to sod off.

Now she very much understood what Ben had meant when he said going into the confessional for the first time felt like facing the firing squad. It very much did feel like that, but she took a deep breath and stepped into her own side and closed the door behind her.

"Do you want me to confess to the sin of being in love with a priest?" She questioned and thought that it was perhaps what he wanted.

"No." He answered lowly and perhaps even lower muttered to himself. "Quia peccavi nimis. Cogitatione. Verbo et opere. Mea maxima culpa."

It was low and very, very hard to understand, but then she realized that it wasn't even in English, but rather Latin and she had no idea if it was perhaps that he was saying some sort of prayer for her and her sin.

"Ben?" Again she tried to figure out what exactly was happening here, because if he didn't want her to confess then what did he want? "If you don't want me to apologize then what?"

Finally after what seemed like an eternity of waiting he answered. 

"I'm very sorry, Rey." 

And it didn't make sense.

"Why?" She could hardly understand why he was apologizing to her. She should apologize to him for having inappropriate feelings towards a priest.

"You're right. I have broken my promise. I have been avoiding you. Because my father was right. What he said about me before he died... he was right." He exhaled slowly and then placed his arm up on the screen that separated them and leaned his face softly against his forearm. "I... really... love you."

"I know, Ben. I'm like the younger sister you never had." She knew that. She had always know that.

"No." He quickly spoke up. "No... you were. But not anymore. It's different now."

"Oh." Rey supposed that must mean that her confession really had ruined their relationship and that this was it. 

"Rey, please." He chuckled low under his breath, but it sounded more exasperated than it sounded humorous. He wasn't laughing because he though any of this was funny that much was clear. Maybe because he was so nervous. "It's... you're all grown up now... everything is different... I couldn't to come to your birthday this year... because I love you like a man loves a woman. It would have been... too difficult."

"Oh... oh you mean...?" She was shocked, because she never, ever expected that Ben was going to say any of this. It was more like something out of one of her wildest fantasies and she half wanted to pinch herself to see if it was real.

Still despite how badly she had wanted to hear all of this... now that it was really happening she wasn't even sure how to feel about it.

"I love you so much... Rey you don't have any idea. It's been making me crazy this past year... seeing you come into my class room in that uniform... that short skirt. I want to touch you so badly... and then you ask me questions with that accent of yours... you don't have any idea what the sound of your voice does to me." There was a drawn out sigh from his side. "But... this is... it isn't right. I'm you're teacher...and your priest... I have all of this power over you and I... I don't want to be like him... make you feel like you have to... give in just to save your soul."

"You're nothing like Snoke." It was appalling to think that he thought that of himself and she couldn't understand how in the world he could ever think that he was a monster like that. "If it makes you feel better, Ben... I don't really think I'm even Catholic."

"You don't believe in God?" He sounded perplexed by it considering she had come here every Sunday.

"I do. I've seen too many things to not believe. I just don't believe that a priest is in any position to tell me if my soul is saved or not..." She hoped that he wouldn't be offended, but that it was going to make him understand she didn't feel like he had any power over her.

"Ah." It didn't sound like he was offended. Maybe it would be better if she had offended him though... maybe it would be better if he just threw her out of his life right now. Better for the both of them.

"I almost can't believe it. I've had these feelings for you all these years. I always had this dreamt about you telling me that you felt the same way. That you loved me as much as I love you... and now I... now... it's real and in reality... it still doesn't make a difference."

"I know. Things never turn out the way we imagined them to do they?" He sighed softly and leaned heavier against the screen that separated them. "I love you so much. You're all my heart ever thinks about. I want you more than I've ever wanted anything... and no matter how badly I want you... I can't have you."

"I can't have you either."

"No."

There was another moment of silence that passed between them. A similar ache between them as they realized that they both had these feelings or each other and that they couldn't have one another. It was worse than her feelings being unreciprocated and worse than Ben telling her that he wanted nothing to do with her, because if it had been either of those things then she could have tried to find a way to move on with her life.

Now they may spend the rest of their lives pining after what they could never have.  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm late with this. I apologize. I'm going through a lot right now. I've landed into a pretty deep pit of depression. This chapter was very hard to churn out. 
> 
> But, hey. Ben has finally confessed. Literally???
> 
> Holy Man by Om Shankar  
https://youtu.be/sBbKAxFGW0Y


	10. Ut nobis parcas

  
_"Ow!"_ Finn cried out as Sister Phasma smacked him over the backs of the knuckles with a ruler that she had snatched from her desk.

"Perhaps that will teach you to follow the rules." Sister Phasma spoke and turned her attention to the other two trouble makers, glaring with those icy blue eyes that made one want to sink down into their seat and disappear. "Archdeacon Skywalker has been kind enough to accept delinquents like you and you come in here and you cause trouble."

Rey sighed and lowered her head, because she knew that they were really in trouble after Poe's little scheme. If she was honest though it had been a nice thought. She thought that they were doing something good when they committed 'vandalism' as Phasma put it.

"Sister Phasma..."

"Father Solo." Phasma turned towards Ben as he entered the room and set her hands on her hips as she stared at him with that same, cold glare. "You've no doubt heard what these delinquents have done."

"I've heard." Ben stuffed his hands into his pockets and looked over the group before his eyes locked with Rey's and she held her breath. It was one thing to have him look at her, but now she knew the truth it was different. His gaze turned back to Phasma when he seemed to realize he was staring. "Archdeacon Skywalker actually took a look at the... vandalism... and he likes it."

"He what?" Phasma looked stunned.

"He likes it. He wants to do all the restrooms that way." He smiled slightly and then gestured towards the door. "You can go. Your only punishment is you have to finish the rest." 

"Well I-..." Phasma scoffed and shook her head, because she could hardly believe it.

"I do however think you were a little harsh... perhaps you should apologize?" Ben provided and Phasma promptly smacked Ben over the knuckles just as hard as she had hit Finn's causing Ben to jerk his arm back and try to shelter his hand from being hit again.

Finn visibly flinched again as if he was having some sort of sympathy pains and Rose grimaced and subtly started to stand and gather her things, urging Finn to do the same.

"Don't push it, Solo." She crossed her arms over her chest. "If they're not reprimanded they can never learn. He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

This time Ben didn't bother with an answer and just smiled wearily at them as he urged them out of the classroom. The sooner they were away from Sister Phasma the better. 

"Thanks, Ben." Rey whispered softly.

"It's alright. I can think of worse things than painting positive messages on bathroom stalls." His answer came with a tinge of humor in his tone. "But Luke really would like it if you would finish... he said he wished that he had thought of it himself. Who's idea?"

"Poe's." Finn supplied.

"Poe... you're spending a lot of time with him, Rey." Ben's voice lowered considerably and Rey glanced up at him out of the corner of her eye. Was he jealous?

"We can do that, but Phasma confiscated our paints." Rose interrupted whatever intense stare that he had been giving her and she almost sighed in relief. 

"I'll see what I can do to get them back. Right now you all need to go and have your lunch... and Rey... don't miss class again." He requested before parting ways with them and disappearing into one of the supply closets to do what she assumed was to look for what Phasma had done with those paints when she had taken them away.

Sighing once he left she stopped and leaned against the nearby wall, prompting Finn and Rose to stop along with her. 

"Why did it have to be Ben?" Of all the professors here why did Ben have to be the one that got involved in their case? Was it because of her? She really wished that it had been someone else... anyone else.

"Why not? I thought you and Solo were close... isn't it good that the guy on your side is the one that ended up investigating our case?" Finn didn't seem to understand at all, but Rose did give her a sympathetic look. Perhaps because she related to her pains as she didn't know how things were even going between Rose and Finn anymore. Not how she expected that was for certain.

"It's complicated... let's just... get lunch." Rey tried to push past all of this, because she didn't want to talk about it and she didn't want to think about it. It was so much harder knowing how Ben felt. Thankfully her friends sensed she didn't want to speak further on the subject and so they didn't ask questions.

The rest of the day passed uneventful. They managed to get lunch and attend classes without any further issues. It was a blessing to have the rest of the day go smoothly as it did... even when she had to attend Ben's art class and deal with that look that he would give her from time to time.

Once classes were over Phasma returned their paints and brushes as rigidly as possible and they were even able to finish with painting the bathroom stalls with as many kind and positive phrases and sayings as they could in the hopes that future generations might benefit from them in the ways that they wished that they may have.

Poe even showed up to help them towards the later parts, bringing along that scruffy little Corgi that he loved so much. Even if bringing an animal into St. Luke's was probably a huge violation, but one that fortunately enough wasn't going to be on them should he get caught.

As they finished up the stalls Rey took a step back and looked over them. It seemed all those art classes with Ben had really paid off. They really livened things up in here and the more she thought about it the more that she wished that someone would have done this for her when she was struggling through school.

It didn't matter now. What did matter was that they might give the future generations hope and Leia always said that hope was the most important thing that you could give to someone, because without hope they didn't have anything.

That was why Ben had made it as long as he had... he had hope because of his faith.

"Hey... where's, Bebe?" Poe suddenly realized that his beloved Corgi had disappeared and everyone turned to see the door slightly ajar. "oh, boy..."

"Let's split up... if Sister Phasma sees a dog in here there's no telling what she'll do." Finn suggested.

Rey sighed, because honestly she didn't know why Poe did these things. It wasn't as if she was trying to become irritated with Poe, but he didn't really seem to believe in her very much and always wanted to take charge of everything.

Straightening up she headed out in search of Bebe, because who knew what Phasma would do if she found a dog running around the academy. Surely the dog was fine... what trouble could Bebe have possibly gotten into after such a short time after all?

The answer? Right around the corner, because she heard the fast click of nails on tile as Bebe skidded around the corner and ran straight for her and ducking between her legs to hide behind them.

"Bebe?" She heard footsteps next, running and she quickly pulled her back from over her shoulder and tried to stuff Bebe inside of it for the sake of hiding him, because she was seconds from getting caught with a dog.

"Rey?" Hearing Ben's voice she quickly looked up and then down at her back to wonder if it was extremely obvious that the moving bulge inside her bag was a dog.

"I thought running in the halls was against the rules?" She tried to divert his attention, but his eyes were most definitely on the bag. He didn't look happy either.

"Aren't there rules against dogs in school?" He countered, because Ben clearly knew that she stuffed Bebe into her bag thanks to the dog squirming as much as he was.

"What dog?"

Ben scoffed and straightened up, took several steps closer to her and she tried to straighten up as well so as not to let him try to intimidate her with his superior height. 

"I know you have the Corgi... and now... you'll give it to me." Ben's voice lowered as he said it and she almost shivered at the way it sounded. To top it off there was a little half smirk on his face as if he knew what he did to her. Damn him for having such an aesthetically pleasing face.

Sighing she rolled her eyes and tried to play it off as if his voice hadn't affected her like that. This was the problem between them. The tension was palpable. 

"Ben, what do you want with Poe's dog?" She finally went ahead and just asked him and his bravado faded and he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

"He... ate my USB drive. With Sunday's sermon on it and I can't rewrite it."

"Bebe?" Rey's eyes widened and she looked down at the dog popping his head out of the top of her bag, tongue lolling out to one side and vibrating the entire bag with the speed of his wagging tail. "So... do we call a vet or wait for it to... come out the other end...?"

"Ahhh..." He looked just as uncertain as she did. "Maybe we can make him throw it up? Can I see him?" 

She hesitated a moment, but handed Bebe over to Ben and let him pull the Corgi out and inspect him carefully, passing a finger in-between teeth and trying to look into his mouth for a moment. Though clearly there was no indication of anything in there, because Ben just sighed.

"What are you doing to my dog?!" Poe had turned the corner and rushed towards them, ripping Bebe from Ben's arms and look perhaps like he might hit him.

Rey noted the way Ben lowered his head and had that same uncomfortable look that he always got around Poe. She couldn't blame him... Poe relentlessly flirted with everyone... though she wasn't necessarily certain if it was on purpose or not.

"I wasn't-"

"No." Poe cut him off before he even had the chance to at least try to explain. "You don't get to do that. You sit up there on your holy pedestal and treat me like dirt because of the company I keep, but guess what? It's only illegal or wrong to you. Don't think you can piss on my back and try to tell me it's raining."

"Poe, that's not fair." Rey stepped forward, because she knew that Ben didn't hate Poe for the reason that he thought he did. Ben couldn't take being around Poe because he couldn't stand a man being too close to him after Snoke.

"Fair? Oh, yes, I'd like to hear your take on fair, Rey. You're the only one he doesn't treat like shit because he wants to get into your pants. I've seen the way he stares at you." He scoffed, glaring right back at Ben when he lifted his gaze up to meet Poe's with a flash of rage. "But, hey... what did I expect from a priest, right? We all know what they're infamous for."

"Poe!" She exclaimed, because she couldn't believe that he had made a comment like that. It really wasn't fair to Ben.

"If you weren't hiding behind that dog..." Ben breathed.

"You think I'm hiding?" Poe did set Bebe down and out of the way. 

When Bebe was down and out of the way Ben reached up and pulled out the plastic Clerical collar from the black shirt he wore. That was enough for them both to know just how serious he was. 

If there was one thing Ben Solo had always been known for it was his temper and she realized that if she didn't do something the there was going to be a fight. So she did the first thing that came to mind and that was getting in between them both and quickly wrapping her arms around Ben's middle.

"Rey... stop... get off." He was stunned that she had gotten in-between them when he wanted nothing more than to get at Poe.

"Poe, Bebe ate a USB drive... you better get him to the vet." Rey blurted it out and while Poe might have stayed for a fight that was what stopped him and that was when he grabbed the dog and rushed towards the door with him. Taking it as seriously as any dog owner would.

"Why did you do that?" Ben demanded, the irritation was so clear in his voice and Rey wasn't completely sure what to do if he was really mad at her.

"I'm stopping you from doing something stupid..." Except she found that the situation that she landed herself in here was a little more tricky than she had initially thought it was going to do, because her arms were around him and he was so close... and warm and he smelled like fresh, clean laundry. 

"You're making me want to do something stupid." He whispered, squeezing the Clerical collar in his hands so tightly so thought that he might break it.

Right. There was that problem between them... he had confessed to her quite literally that he felt things for her. She supposed that being this close to him wasn't making things easier... that she was tempting him to the dark side, but... that went both ways didn't it?

Sliding her hands down his back slowly she moved to step away, but he caught her elbows before she managed to get too far and pulled her right back into his chest, rested his chin atop her head and sighed.

"Ben...?"

"Spend some time with me today..."

"I thought you just said-"

"No." He immediately stopped her, tightened his arms around her to the point he was almost crushing her. "I was going to order some food... watch some movies... do you want to? I really want to make it up to you... missing your birthday."

Something told her that it probably wasn't a good idea. That the two of them needed to start separating from each other. It was just getting harder and harder to be around one another knowing they both felt the same.

"Okay." Once those words left her mouth he finally released his hold on her and nodded towards the door. 

Wordlessly she followed him out and towards that motorcycle of his that both Luke and his mother complained about. That it was too dangerous and he was going to get himself killed one of these days.

"Do you think you can talk Poe into giving back the USB drive?" He asked as he settled down on the motorcycle, starting up the engine on it with a clear expression of pleasure once that rough beast like motor started to purr under him. Men really loved their toys, but who was she to talk? She liked cars and motorcycles too.

"Maybe. He really doesn't like you." She answered, hesitantly climbing on behind him and sliding her arms around his waist. 

"The feeling is mutual." He muttered under his breath as he glanced down to make sure she was holding onto him and securely aboard before he lifted his foot to kick the stand back and then took off down the road. A little too fast perhaps.

It was nice weather at least and if she was fully honest it was always fun to ride with Ben. It had nearly given Leia a heart attack when Han bought this for Ben on his birthday... she had wanted Han to take the 'death machine' back, but Ben had absolutely loved the thing. It was hopeless.

The bike tore down the road, tossing up the fall leaves in it's path and sending them in a twirling dance behind them back down to the pavement. These rides always put everything behind them. A wild escape from their lives. Almost like a fantasy.

Sighing softly she tightened her hold on him in something of a hug.

"I love you, Ben." She whispered it softly and she knew that there was no possible way that he would hear her over the roar of the engine and the brush of the wind in his ears, but she truly felt it in her heart that she had to say the words aloud even if he wouldn't hear them.

It was probably better that he didn't hear her.

Eventually he turned up a winding road and there was a small opening in the dense, thick trees up here in the mountains and Rey noted that the Falcon was parked here and she realized that this was where he had been staying. Where he had been living since Han had died.

Pulling up under a tree he shut down the engine and flipped down the kickstand before slowly standing from the motorcycle and making his way up to the RV. 

The very moment that he unlocked and opened the door the massive ball of fur pounced on him and knocked him down into the grass. Ah, so that was why he was always worried about Chewie being around her.

"Chewie... off... off." Ben struggled under the weight of the massive dog and finally Chewie took his attention from Ben to Rey and she swore she saw a mischievous glint in his eye as he started to rush towards her as well.

Fortunately he didn't have the leverage to knock her over like he had with Ben, but he nearly did in his excitement. 

"Hi, Chewie." She reached around and stroked along his ears and half thought that with the way he was wagging his tail he might helicopter himself up off the ground back end first like some silly cartoon. "Is this where you've been? I've missed you so much."

Looking up she noted that she didn't see Ben, but the door was opened and she assumed that he had gone inside. So dropping her hands away from Chewie's ears she made her way over to the RV, up the steps and inside.

It was... not what she had expected. 

The inside stunned her. It wasn't tiny and cramped like she thought it might be... sure it was small, but it was more like one of those tiny houses. Something that she had admittedly looked into herself because living simple pleased her just fine and she couldn't live with Leia forever.

"This is... nice." She stated, noting Ben digging in the fridge and retrieving two white boxes from it.

"It's going to be Chinese tonight. I hope that's alright." He avoided the question about the Falcon in it's entirety and heated up the stove to get their food warmed up and ready to eat, but first he produced a small cupcake and a candle which he placed onto the table for her.

She watched him pull a lighter from inside the jacket draped over the back of the seat and surmised that he still smoked otherwise he wouldn't have bothered to keep one. 

Judging from the food and this she supposed that he must have been overwhelmed with guilt over missing her birthday even if he had his reasons why he had missed it. He was trying to make it up to her now.

It made her smile just a little bit and she slid into the seat in front of the table. There wasn't any singing or big deal made out of it like Leia normally did, but she thought that she preferred it this way. Just a quiet dinner with Ben.

And a wish... she had to make a wish, but... she didn't believe in those anymore if she was honest and so she didn't bother to make one and just blew the candle out.

"What did you wish for?" He asked gently as he leaned in over her shoulder, voice warm and deep and so close it felt a little bit like she was drowning in it.

"Nothing. They never come true." She answered honestly. 

"If they did... what would you have wished for?" He didn't seem as indignant as she had thought he might be after she said that. Maybe Ben didn't believe in wishes anymore either and why would he? 

He didn't push her. He was patient as always and instead moved over once he heard the distinct sound of noodles sizzling in the pan while she wondered if she should be honest with him again. If she should tell him that the thing she really wanted the most was him, but then she decided against it.

"Are you making Chinese from scratch?" Rey realized suddenly that he wasn't just warming up take out. He was actually cooking it.

"You didn't really think I was going to feed you leftovers for your birthday dinner did you?" He sounded appalled just by the idea of it. "Yes. I made the noodles from scratch last night... I had this planned for awhile... since you told me how.... disappointed you were. I want to make up for not being there."

Rey found that she could only stare at him while he managed to cook all her favorites for this dinner including her guilty pleasure crab rangoon. Did he pay that much attention to the things she enjoyed? He really had to be the most amazing man that had ever existed. 

She had heard that old saying about all the good ones being gay, but in her case it as more like 'why did all the good men have to be married to God?'

"Can I help?" She decided she couldn't just stand there.

"Well... it's your birthday dinner... if you would really like to you can, but I want to give you the option to just relax for the rest of the day."

"I want to help." 

It was decided then and she loved the way he smiled with his eyes over his shoulder at her, because it was the most sincere and love filled look.

Cooking with Ben, she decided, was perhaps one of the funniest things that they had ever done together. It really surprised her how well they worked together without even thinking about it.

She bumped her shoulder into his playfully and he smiled and flicked a little flour onto her nose. It prompted a little bit of a flour war, but they both stopped only for the sake of the food and not wanting to ruin it.

Once the meal was finished and they were finally able to sit down to eat she was impressed by the work that they had done together. It looked like a professionally done meal and honestly if she had to be honest this had to be one of the nicest things that anyone had ever done for her.

"Thank you, Ben. This is... the best gift." Rey really didn't know how to express just how grateful she was, but at least knowing that praise made Ben happy was a good way to start. 

"This isn't my only gift..." He responded softly, scooping up some noodles and placing them and a few other things onto her plate to try before he went back to eating himself. Sharing food with Ben was always a favorite past time of hers as well. Things felt like they were normal between them again. 

"There's more?"

"There's more." He reached for a small package and shoved it across the little table to her. "I don't know if you still like them, but..." 

His words left her curious more than anything else and she reached across to take the small package and gently pull back the paper only to discover that it was a comic book like the kind that she used to read when she was younger. She hadn't read a comic book in a long time, but... she knew this wasn't just any comic book.

It was titled 'Kira and the Knights of Ren' which took her by surprise, because Kylo Ren and the Knights of Ren were Ben's comics that he used to draw up a long time ago. His own little world to go into and hide away from his harsh reality.

She smoothed her hand gently over the character that looked suspiciously like her and then back up towards Ben. 

"Is this...?"

"Do you like it?" Ben asked sheepishly, trying to look down at his plate instead of at her, but she still noted the tinge of red in his cheeks and ears despite his very best efforts to hide it. 

"I love it." She promised.

Finally he looked up at her with that smile of his and she wondered just how much Ben really loved her to have done all of this for her. She knew how hard it was to be so close to someone that you loved, but being unable to really be with them.

"Finish up. It's getting late so I need to bring Chewie in." He scraped a little more food off his plate and into his mouth then slid out from the seat and made over to the steps, down and outside. A prompt indignant shout followed. "Chewie!"

Rey stood up from the table and hurriedly made her way down the steps to find out what in the world he had done this time and well... there in all his glory was Chewie... covered from head to toe in mud. The dog was absolutely filthy and Rey covered her mouth and tried not to laugh. 

Chewie didn't seem to have the same issue, because he barked and wagged his tail with what appeared to be a big grin on his furry face.

"Yeah, laugh it up fuzz ball." Ben grumbled and went around to open up a compartment and pull out a big tin tub and a hose. "Rey, can you grab me the shampoo out of the shower?"

"I'll help you with him." She promised and hurried back inside and guessed it to be behind the door on the right correctly.

The shampoo was there right inside with Chewie's name written on it. Easy enough. Extremely expensive stuff too she noted as she grabbed the bottle and a towel and headed back outside to find the tub partially filled and Ben urging Chewie to get inside.

Chewie obediently hopped inside, waiting to be pampered as if he were a prince. And this particular dog probably was pampered like a prince. 

"Here." Rey handed over the shampoo and knelt next to Ben as he rolled his sleeves up and squirted a generous glob into his hand to start to work it into Chewie's fur. Rey didn't wait for permission and did the same. Doing what she could to help lather the massive, hair ball of a dog up.

It was almost funny to be doing something so domestic with Ben. It was one of those rare times that she just felt like a normal person and not the girl that grew up in a literal trash heap. It was one of the things she liked the most about him. He made her feel normal.

Here they were doing something so normal... smiling, little laughs here and there over little things. Normal. So unlike the way that even her friends treated her. They weren't bad friends... just... they didn't really know her. Not like he did.

"You don't have to do this dirty work, Rey."

"I want to." She insisted and he simply nodded and allowed her to help.

The first half of the great undertaking went well and Chewie certainly enjoyed what was essentially the most fantastic full body message that he had ever received, but then... it came time to wash off the shampoo with the hose and Chewie got a certain look on his face and his body posture changed. 

The signs were all there.

"Chewie... don't shake..." Ben warned him seriously. The warning worked. For a minute at least. "Don't you dare. Chewie... don't shake!"

The massive beast shook heavily and sent water and soapy bubbles everywhere before he leapt out of the tub, slamming into the both of them and Rey gasped as Chewie knocked her into Ben and the both of them hit the grass. 

It didn't hurt, but... once her senses came back to her she realized that she was on top of Ben and her hands were on his very broad chest with their faces just inches from one another. A little closer and it might have been a painful collision thanks to one fuzzy terrorist.

Neither of them said a word, but she watched the way his throat moved as he swallowed and she was so, so tired of wanting so badly to kiss him and find out if his mouth was as kissable as it looked. 

"Sorry." She whispered, as if speaking too loudly might result in something terrible while she slowly pushed back and allowed Ben to sit up, but his hands at her sides stopped her from going too far. "Ben?"

He tilted his head off to one side very slowly, leaned closer to her and waited just inches from her mouth. Hesitating, but then finding perhaps a little more courage and grazing his mouth over hers just the slightest, little bit.

The dam was shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. She pressed her mouth over his, heard his sharp inhale and wondered if he also felt the absolutely electric feeling that shot through her at the kiss. It made her wonder just for a moment if maybe... just maybe God had struck them both down with lightning from breaking some holy rule. 

And she waited... or they both waited, but... that didn't happen. Maybe God wasn't angry if a priest was in love. She didn't know. She couldn't speak for God. 

The only thing that she knew for absolute certain was that kissing Ben Solo was perhaps the most amazing thing she had ever done. Or it felt that way. It felt like hours. Maybe it felt like seconds. Time blurred together.

Eventually he very gently leaned his head back to breathe and catch his breath, prompting her to realize that she too needed to breathe. He watched her face in silence for a little while. Neither said a word, but he did was gently reach up and brush back some hair that had gone astray during Chewie's bath.

"You can take a shower... get cleaned up... borrow one of my shirts." He urged and she wondered if perhaps this was his way of either pretending that it didn't happen or trying to give himself a little time to think about what had just happened.

Although if she was honest his expression and actions didn't scream that he was pretending or regretting.

So she didn't overthink it nor could she wipe the smile from her face as she stepped inside of the Falcon once more and inside the bedroom. There was already some clean clothing folded on the bed neatly and she just picked one white one at random. 

Moving onto the bathroom she noted that the shower wasn't huge, but it wasn't tiny. Suitable for her simple needs. If she had a choice she honestly wouldn't mind finding a little something like this to live in.

The water was warm when she stripped down and stepped under it. At least she had time to herself to think a little bit about what had happened... Ben had kissed her or... she had kissed him... she wasn't really all that sure who was guilty. All she knew was that they had kissed and she didn't know what was going to happen next.

Would he ask her to forget it and pretend it didn't happen? Or... was he going to continue with this... whatever it was that they were doing?

She sighed. she was getting lost in her thoughts and Ben probably wanted to shower next so she stepped out and reached for the shirt. It was big enough that she was going to be swimming in it, but that was... sort of nice in it's own strange way, because it was Ben's.

"Chewie!" She heard Ben scolding him again and she heard steps big dog barreling inside the RV, before he pushed the flimsy door open. He appeared to be freshly blow-dried on top of his expensive shampoo. He really was spoiled. 

"Hey, Chewie. You're kind of invading my privacy, buddy..." Rey reached down to brush her hands over his fluffy ears, trying to hold together the front of the white shirt and gently push him out so she could close the door, but Ben had already come up the steps before she had the chance.

"I-... I'm... I was... just... uhm... I'm... I'm..." He couldn't seem to get the words out and so instead he gestured to Chewie and slowly started to make his way towards them to grab the furry terrorist... doing what he could to keep his eyes averted, but at the same time giving little looks out of the corner of his eye like he couldn't help himself.

"You didn't commit a crime." She knew to brush it off because she didn't want him upset over it. She didn't feel uncomfortable with Ben so it presented no problem to her. Although it was a little bit amusing to see Ben Solo of all people fumbling with his words.

"I... am really... very sorry..." He reached for Chewie, but the dog slipped out from between the two of them and ran down the hall to jump onto the couch, leaving them without a barrier between them. That left Ben to sighed softly and keep his head down.

"Ben..." She bit her lip as she stared at him and the way he gave her space and privacy in the way that he keep his gaze averted. He had given her so much today. All her life really Didn't he deserve something nice? 

She dropped her hand away from the shirt and let it fall open, reached out for one of his massive paws and heard his sharp inhale when she brought it up and slid it in-between the fabric to her chest.

That had his gaze shooting up to hers and searching her eyes frantically for some sort of permission that she had already given it to him. It took several long moments, but he did seem to lose whatever war was going on inside his head and slowly curled his hand around her. It felt... surprisingly good to have his hand on her and the way that he began to gently message before he started to back her up into the bedroom.

She carefully sat down in inched back onto the mattress while he put one knee up onto and the old thing creaked loudly under their weight, groaning out it's protest as if it was the only thing left in this room that had any common sense left. Maybe it was.

The look on Ben's face was what she could only describe as enthralled. He was so, so interested in this. So invested in it. He touched her as if he were touching the most holy relic with reverence and delicacy. 

The atmosphere changed when his breathing did... the increase as his other hand dropped down to brush at the edge of the shirt near her knee. His big, warm hand slowly slid up along her thigh, pushing the fabric along with it and his gaze dropped down there as he seemed just as interested there. She noted however that his touch didn't necessarily feel like it was anything sexual. It felt more curious than anything else. 

"You're so pretty, Rey. I've wanted to touch you like this for so long... every time you came into my classroom in that pretty little skirt... all I could do was just look at you..." He admitted quietly. "Is it really alright?"

"I trust you." Nothing that she ever said could have been more true. She did trust Ben more than anyone and she knew that he wasn't going to do anything that was going to hurt her.

True enough he didn't. Just gently stroked his hand along her thigh... smoothed his hands over every inch of her that he could reach. It just made her all the more glad that she could give this to him, because he of all people needed something like this. After all he went through and all he did he deserved something nice.

The choice was easy when he took her hand gently, brought it up along the side of his face and pressed a kiss into her palm, silently pleading to be touched. To have her affection the same way he was showing her his.

She slowly stroked her fingertips over his cheekbone, down along his jawline and then up into his hair. It was just as soft as it had always looked like it would be. Silky black like a raven's feather.

Running her fingers through his hair had always been something that she thought and daydreamed about and now she was actually indulging herself and she half thought that this was a dream and she was going to wake up at any moment.

She watched him close his eyes and let out a breath of relief as she stroked her fingers through his hair, touched his face. He really did so badly want affection... perhaps as badly as she did and she did find herself as equally curious about him when he rested on his side next to her and his shirt rode up.

It was only fair wasn't it? He was touching her. So she reached a hand out and brushed it down the muscle of his stomach and found herself amazed at the amount of hard muscle that she found there. She followed the dark line of hair just to the waist of his pants and then stopped from going any further. After all she didn't really know if she wanted to go quite that far or if he would even want her to so she raked her nails back upwards slowly and heard the way he breathed deeply and let out something of a groan... strangled like he tried to silence himself and she pulled her hand away quickly.

"I'm sorry... did that hurt?"

"No... very much the opposite." He shifted against her and she thought that she felt something hard against her hip which made her glance down to see if she was imagining it or not. Her reaction prompted him to cleared his throat. "Sorry... it has a mind of it's own."

"Does it?" She raised a brow and watched the way he lifted his gaze from her body back up to her eyes only to find guilt there. 

"I-I'm sorry I can-"

"Don't. It's fine." It wasn't as if he could help it. She didn't want him to get upset when this wasn't exactly something he had control over. "I'm the one that started this... if you're upset you'll have to be upset with me."

"I'm not." His fingertips went back to stroking down her side and hip slowly. "Rey, what if I... what... if I stopped... being a priest here? Would you stay here with me in Moab? Would you... would you be with me?"

"Ben..." she sat up a little. "You love being a priest."

"It doesn't mean I have to stop being a priest... I just... wouldn't be a Catholic priest anymore..." He continued. "I could... even petition to be married... I-"

"Married? You want to marry me?" It was a lot. It was just a lot and she couldn't believe he just came out and said something like that.

"Yes." There was no hesitation in his voice when he confirmed that, yes, he absolutely did want to marry her. "More than anything."

All the walls that she had built up just sort of crashed down when he uttered those words and she couldn't help kissing him, forcing a startled grunt from his throat. She thought maybe this was all just a fantasy when Ben started kissing her back so intensely. As if he had been in the desert for days and her mouth was the water he had been so desperate for. And then this thing that started out as a natural curiosity had shifted quickly into something else. What she had expected to happen? She practically seduced him by letting him put his hands all over her.

The next thing she knew she was being pressed into the mattress and he was over her, between her thighs so suggestively even if he was still fully dressed. It was a minor hindrance that could be remedied. So she decided to remedy it, reaching down, curling her fingers into the waist of his pants and trying to inch them down his hips. When he broke from the kiss to look between them she wondered if he was going to push her away. He didn't. Instead he was pushing on the opposite side, helping her to get them down just enough.

With the barrier out of the way she felt him slowly settle himself against her, felt the wet brush along her inner thigh before he was actually pressed up against her _there_, bumping up against her in a way that had her closing her eyes and inhaling sharply. It didn't feel like she had expected even though it was just a little brush, a little shock, but she heard Ben take an equally long breath and knew that he must have felt it too.  
  
He stopped though. Did nothing further and so she felt prompted to glanced up at his face... only to notice that he wasn't actually looking at her anymore. Something changed and she felt him start to shake. Not a minor little shake either, but heavy trembling of his entire body. Shaking so, so badly and his chest began to heave like he couldn't breathe.

"Stop... stop..." He started to panic. Really panic and then he was sitting up and inching away from her so suddenly that it took her a moment to even be able to comprehend what was happening. It was like someone had flipped a switch and now Ben was in the process of having a full blown panic attack. Hyperventilating so intensely that she was a little bit afraid that he was going to pass out.

"Ben... it's alright... it's okay..." Rey should have known to expect this and she started to do up the buttons on the shirt she was wearing in hopes that maybe he would feel a little better if she wasn't half naked.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." His words were gasped out between heavy breaths and wet, shuddering sobs. Sobs that he tried to hide and smother in his hands by bringing them up to his face. It physically hurt in her chest to see him like this. He was so, so broken and she was afraid she had pushed him too far too fast. She should have known not to push him like this.

"It's fine. You're fine, Ben. Everything is alright." She wanted to hold him or hug him, but she had no idea if that was a good idea right now or not. Being touched at all might just set him off even worse... if worse was even possible. "Just breathe."

"I'm sorry." Again he apologized and curled up there in the corner of the bed, against the wall with his arms around himself. It was very hard to see him like this, but she was well aware of why.

She also knew it wasn't his fault. He couldn't help reacting the way that he was and she knew she had to just sort of let him ride it out, but she did lean over towards the TV and turn that on for a little distracting background noise. She hoped that maybe it would help him a little bit if there was just that sound in the background even if it wasn't loud enough to hear all that well.

"I'm really sorry..." He whispered again after some time had passed and he regained some control of his breathing. 

"You don't have to be sorry." She tried to be as gentle as she could with him, because she knew that he needed it. "Can I come over there?"

Instead of answering he nodded, but perhaps speaking was beyond him at the moment. She wouldn't blame him if it was. All she could do now was just be there so she moved to his side of the bed and carefully reached out to wrap her arms around him and he did allowed it... dropping his head down into her chest and sliding his arms around her just as securely. Except holding him seemed to have started a whole new round of heart-wrenching sobs.

Rey took a deep breath and tried not to think about how much she hated Snoke and how if he were still here she would have killed him for what he had done to Ben because that wasn't what he needed right now. He just needed her to hold him. Not to be angry, but it was hard. Snoke had destroyed something inside of Ben so thoroughly... broken him into so many pieces that even after all these years he still had not been able to pick up all of the pieces and put them back together.  
  
And the sad truth was that it was very likely that he would never be able to find all the pieces to put them back together as they used be. That boy had been brutalized and he was never going to be the same.

"Did I hurt you...?" His voice came out so low she almost thought she didn't hear him right, because how could he be asking about her right now? 

"Was that what you were afraid of?" It really shocked her to think that was the thing that had made him react the way that he had. Or that it was at least a part of the reason why. No wonder he had been so gentle when he was touching her. He was scared.

"Part of it..." He admitted, breathing in deeply and turning his head against her chest to rest his ear against her heart.

"You didn't hurt me." She promised him, pressing a kiss to the top of his head and holding him even closer in some attempt to make him feel as comforted as she could. To do everything within her power to soothe him. Or to soothe that little boy inside of him that had been hurt so badly. The little boy that was still hiding away and cowering deep inside... shaking and so, so scared that he would be hurt again.

"I'm sorry I couldn't... give you what you wanted... it just... it felt like... something..." He trailed off and seemed not to be able to explain what had happened exactly, but he was ashamed and embarrassed by his reaction. "You... you deserve someone that can... and maybe I'll never be able to..."

"Ben... it's fine. That's alright with me." It would be a nice addition to a relationship, but she didn't think that sex made a relationship. They didn't have to have it at all. "even if we can never can... I love you... and I accept you. All of you."

"How...? I'm so filthy." Those words came out with pure venom. Disgust. Hatred. Ben hated himself that much was clear. "How could you ever even want to?"

She held her breath and closed her eyes, because she didn't know what to do when he felt like this. When all of this nasty darkness came up from wherever it was that he normally kept it locked away. She didn't know how to help him.

"That isn't true. When I look at you I don't see a single flaw. You're perfect... you'll always be perfect to me." She tried to be as gentle as she could and she had never been more raw and open with him than she was being right now. "I'll love you all of my life. You're my guardian angel."

It seemed like those words made him cry again, but she felt that perhaps it wasn't necessarily in a bad way. That it was more that he was so relieved by her words that he couldn't do anything other than cry.

So she let him get all of it out, but he cried for such a long time. She almost thought that he was never going to stop crying again and that this terrible sadness inside of him was going to last forever. A scary thought. It did stop. Eventually. Only it was dark by the time he had cried out all his tears, emptied himself of every last drop, and yet in all that time he hadn't let go of her.

"My head hurts... I'm so tired..." He whispered into her chest, burying his face a little deeper and slowly going lax against her. The crying had taken so much from him that he just couldn't keep himself awake any longer.

"Then sleep." She urged him and he nodded slowly. It was a little difficult to maneuver with him clinging to her as tightly as he was, but she did manage to get them both lying down together and when she did she just continued to hold him, dragged the blankets up over him and tucked him in like one might do with a child in hopes that it would make him feel safe and comforted.

And she would hold him through the entire night... all night long... every night... as long as it took for him to heal from this she would hold him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Again not thrilled with how this turned out. Unfortunately you had to expect that a physical relationship wasn't going to be easy after this kind of trauma. The next chapter is something that everyone has been waiting for since the beginning so look forward to that.
> 
> Vancouver Sleep Clinic - Someone to Stay  
https://youtu.be/xNVZ4fzkSu8


	11. Kyrie Eleison

The long night wore on and while Ben had fallen asleep from pure emotional exhaustion she was still awake and staring up at the ceiling of the RV, listening to the very, very faint words on the TV and watching all the colors flickering and changing. 

Sleep eluded her and she instead found herself turning her back to him so that she could retrieve her phone and keep the light from bothering him. It probably wouldn't, because he was so used to that light from the TV at night -the thing that kept him from waking up in terror in the dark- that he probably wouldn't even notice, but still... why risk it? He had only just fallen asleep after all.

Sighing softly she considered what to type in and finally settled on looking up how to help abuse victims, because she needed some help. She didn't know what to do or say to him. Had no clue how she to help him. All that she could do was just try to learn everything that she could. If there was one thing that she could do it was to study up. To try to find the best ways to help him get through the things that he was going through. Someone out there had to have advice and experience in helping people.

There were a few articles and she went over different ones. She felt there was a lot of good advice in some of them... she read as long as she could... until her eyes were hazed over with a fuzzy blur and she had to close all the pages she had opened to try to get a little sleep.

She wasn't really sure how long she slept, but when she woke the sky was turning a light blue. The birds were chirping. Chewie was snoring like he was cutting logs and Ben was still breathing softly, lost deep in sleep. The birds chirping outside to alert the world to the rising of the sun.

Reaching out she very gently brushed her fingertips along his jawline, up his cheek and then to brush his hair back from his face. It made him shift closer to her in his sleep, seeking out her warmth even from whatever far away place he might be in. She felt his sigh and then the way that he draped his arm over her. It was one thing that he had at least. Snoke had not stolen affection away from him. 

After a moment or two she watched his brow furrow and then the way that he peeked one eye open partially, squinting in the hazy morning light until he finally seemed to wake a little more and for just a moment the expression on his face reminded her of that awkward, sixteen year old boy that always looked so uncomfortable in his own skin.

Though he gave her an odd look before sitting up and turning to open up one of the windows, reach for a pack of cigarettes that he had kept hidden away. Once he had it opened and one pulled out he placed it between his lips, lit up and leaned an arm against the window, keeping his gaze that way instead of on her.

It took her a few minutes to realize that sheepish look on his face was embarrassment. He was embarrassed about the way that he had reacted last night. Embarrassed that he had cried like that in front of her and probably embarrassed because he couldn't preform. She knew that was an extremely sore spot for men.

"Ben?"

"Hm?"

"Are you embarrassed about last night?" She prodded carefully.

"Little bit..." He admitted, because between the two of them he had always been the most honest. "A lot... actually."

"Ben... have you... ever thought about telling your mother what happened?" She wanted to know if it had been something he had ever considered. If he wanted to tell Han or Luke about what was being done to him, because even if he didn't... she thought that it would help him to have a better support team than just her.

"Why? So I can kill her too?" Ben snipped, but then he frowned when the little burst of anger came and went and he glanced over at her. "Sorry..."

"It's okay." Rey couldn't really fault him on that. Han's heart had picked the absolute worst moment to give out and while nobody would admit to it... the stress of learning the truth may very well have been what pushed his heart to the limit, but that wasn't Ben's fault... it was an extension of Snoke's sins. "Have you ever thought about telling anyone?"

"Not really. I wish you didn't know." He flicked some ashes out the window and sighed. "I... well... I tried a hotline once... you know... where I could hide my face, but... the woman on the line laughed at me... and told me men don't get..." 

And he couldn't finish then. He couldn't bring himself to say that word.

"That's... Ben... that's horrible." It made her mad. Made her so angry to think someone... anyone could ever say something like that to him. 

"I guess so."

Neither of them said anything further. He just settled for listening to the birds while he worked on that nasty habit of his. It was something that she wondered if she could ask him to stop eventually for the sake of his health, but right now she knew that he sort of needed it as a coping method.

She instead settled for watching his face and his eyes as he observed the world outside. Ben Solo was someone that most people didn't find attractive, but he was attractive in his own odd way. His aquiline features tended to remind her of that ancient roman bust she saw once on their museum field trip.

It was impossible not to impulsively reached out and trace her fingertips over his jawline, which in turn caused him to drop his head back against the wall behind him and turn so he could look at her, brow raised.

"What?"

"I like your face." She justified it quiet simply and then watched the way he smiled with that smile of his. The one that reached his eyes and scrunched them up on the corners. 

"Do you? You like my face?" He asked, tossing the cigarette and turning towards her. Maybe they should have learned their lesson last night, but... it was impossible not to want to touch one another. "You're so pretty, Rey... why do you like me?"

"Your heart." It was the truest answer she had for him. His heart was the most beautiful thing about him. 

Sliding a hand along his jaw around to the back of his neck she entangled her fingers into his hair and he leaned down a little closer and then absolutely melted into her kiss with a quiet little groan. The only downside to kissing him right now just happened to be the unpleasant taste of cigarettes, but something she was willing to overlook for now.

The thought was pushed from her mind when she felt both of his massive paws at her sides, pulling her closer and maybe she fell or maybe she moved, but she ended up in his lap. It had been going so well up until that point and then she felt him freeze and heard the sharp inhale.

"Are you uncomfortable?" Unfortunately Rey didn't get an answer to that and he was glancing off to the side like he did when he went out of his head. "Ben... you're in control here... you can say no."

"I uhm..." He cleared his throat and seemed to be thinking his way through it all.

"Tell me if you don't like it. It's alright." She urged again, because she saw this as a good opportunity to let Ben realize that he had control and he wasn't powerless when it came to these things.

"I'm... not... comfortable..." Ben admitted meekly, but clearly watching her move off of him with a multitude of emotions. "It's just... I don't... like people on top of me..."

"You don't have to explain it to me." More than anything Rey wanted him to know he could safely set boundaries. That he had nothing to be afraid of. That he had power and control and could say no to things he didn't like.

"This isn't fair to you..." He decided again, because while he looked relieved he had been able to say no he also looked sort of upset. "Maybe we shouldn't do this... I want you to have everything, Rey... I don't want you to miss out on things... with me... you're going to miss out on so much..."

"Are you changing your mind about marrying me?"

"No! I want that with you more than anything, but... I don't... think that I can give you what you deserve." 

"What do I deserve?" She decided to ask bluntly to get right to the root of the problem. Beating around the bush at this stage in their relationship wasn't going to help either of them.

"Someone that you can... you know... really be with... in that way." And then Ben sighed deeply and buried his face in his hands. "Even if I hate the idea of anyone else touching you. I'm sorry. I'm selfish... and that isn't fair..."

"Maybe we can work on it so it is fair then?"

"How, Rey? How can you ever touch me when I can't even touch myself without throwing up or crying..." He laughed somewhat bitterly into his hands and then groaned, because he clearly didn't like admitting to those things. Still it made her frown. She hadn't realized that Ben couldn't even do that. That Snoke had taken that from him as well.

"Then... we don't need that in our relationship. I meant what I said last night." Sure maybe it was a little disappointing in it's own way, but she knew that she was willing to give up that part if it meant being with Ben. She still felt like they could work on it... and again even if not... it was fine. "I still want to marry you, Ben... if that's still what you want."

Breathing out slowly he dropped his hands from his face and into his lap and reached over to take her hand, bring it up to his mouth and press a few careful kiss into her palm. 

"I already asked Luke..." He informed. "He already approved."

"You..." Rey could hardly believe it. She had not expected that he had planned this... that he had asked ahead of time, but then again maybe she should have? He wouldn't have ever kissed her and betrayed his oath had he not gotten the approval ahead of time. He was too loyal for that. It also made something click that she hadn't realized until just now. "Wait... is that why your mother kept going on to me about your grandmother's dresses and grandchildren?"

"Mmm... probably... I guess I shouldn't have expected my uncle to keep that to himself... not where my mother is concerned." Sighing softly he sat up, because they had lives outside of here that awaited them. Wish as they might that they didn't. "We should get ready to go... Luke wants to take the kids horseback riding. I can't be late."

"I remember those trips. And when you taught me how to ride." She recalled those days when Luke would take them all horseback riding and all sorts of fun things she had never done before. Luke was the one that taught them Kendo too. He really was one of the good ones.

"You can come with." He offered as he stretched out and she watched the way his shirt raised up over his stomach when he did so. Most definitely the best view of the day.

"Can I?" Rey asked as she tilted her head to the side and when he dropped his arms he noticed her looking and raised a brow. 

"I'm sure Luke won't mind. Maybe... you could take on a job teaching...? We could really use the extra help." He suggested and she knew that it was because he wanted her to stay in Moab with him. He had been afraid she might leave.

"Maybe." She had never really thought about it until now, but the idea of teaching with Ben... she really liked that.

Despite the setbacks between them Rey felt for the first time that they really had a chance at a future together. It was the first time that she had really thought so. Sure she'd had fantasies about marrying Ben Solo and all those girlish things, but to think it would actually happen? Never. Not until now.

Ben stepped out of the bedroom to let Chewie have a run outside for a few minutes to do his business before he was taken back inside and fed. 

Once that was all taken care of they and they were dressed they were on their way. The ride was nice. Once again the weather wasn't too hot or too cold. Just one of those fall days where everything was perfect. 

As they turned the winding road up to the Church she noticed Poe's black and orange truck and watched as Ben went around and passed him up... and the way that Poe flipped him off as he did so. Rey rolled her eyes, because those two had serious issues with one another and she just didn't quite understand what or where they came from.

Once Ben had pulled into a closer spot near the door she decided now was as good a time as ever since they were opening up to one another about so much.

"Why do you two hate each other so much...?" She asked while eyeing Poe's truck as it slowly pulled into the back of the lot.

"I don't hate him... he's just a filthy mother stealer." Ben responded as he opened up the door for her and she grimaced while stepping through because it sounded like there was a lot between those two. "My father left him the shop... all his stupid cars... my mother loves to spend all her time with him... and it doesn't help... that I shoved him down the stairs when we were kids."

"You shoved Poe down the stairs?" 

"I had to. Snoke was looking at him..." He stopped there in the doorway, a little hesitant with his next words. "I knew... that look... I guess I just... figured if he was in the hospital with a broken arm... Snoke couldn't get to him. Even if it made me look like the bad kid... I knew I had to. I guess my parents wanted to make it up to him and I guess they just ended up liking him better."

"Your mother and Poe work in the same office. I'm sure it's not because she likes him more than her own son." Rey mentioned, noting the way Ben grumbled under his breath something about Poe and his mother. Sometimes... Ben could be childish even now.

As they stepped further into the Cathedral Rey glanced up and thought back to the first time she met Ben. It seemed so long ago. She hadn't had any idea what she was seeing when she walked in. Maybe their meeting could have been... under better circumstances, but... she would never regret meeting Ben.

Now they were here. Everything was different and yet... it was still all the same.

Small giggles caught her attention and she noticed two little children playing in the water in the baptismal font and then raised a brow and looked over at Ben. He simply held a finger to his lips to keep her quiet as he approached them.

Once he started towards them and the children noticed a priest of all things was headed towards them they froze and quickly held their hands behind their backs as if they had been doing nothing.

"What do you think you're doing...?" Ben asked, stopping there at the font and looking between them. "trying to start a holy war?"

The children didn't speak, but Ben reached a hand into the water and splashed them with a little bit of it and the children upon realizing they were not in trouble picked up their giggles and splashed him back. Their little battle beginning again.

"What's going on here?" Luke Skywalker's voice cut through the laughter and now even Ben dropped his hands and looked something like a guilty child caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing.

As Luke slowly approached them he stopped at the baptismal font and looked between them, but to her shock and surprised Luke dipped a hand in and flicked Ben in the face with it, beginning their war again.

Rey smiled and rolled her eyes. Skywalker men.

"Alright... that's quite enough water on the floor." Luke stopped them, placed gentle hands on their shoulders. "I think it's time we prepare for our ride. Now... what color horses would you two like?"

"Brown!" The first child stated.

"Purple!" The other shouted.

"I'm not certain purple is a color... but we can try." Luke responded with a little chuckle.

"I'll take care of the water." Ben informed and Luke nodded with a smile as he departed with the children to take care of all the preparations.

"I can get it." Rey suggested, knowing that Ben had plenty of things that he needed to do before they were ready to take the kids out. 

"Are you sure? I made the mess." 

"I'm sure. Just go get ready." She noticed him hesitate, but he did give in and lightly brushed his fingertips over the back of her hand as he passed by her. It was a brief moment and yet it held all the affection in the world. 

Turning she faced the hall. That same hall that she had wandered down and met Ben for the first time. The same and yet different. As everything seemed to be. It felt odd to be wandering this hall again. She didn't normally come down here so it was just a matter of figuring out where exactly the supply closet was exactly. She was going to need towels aside from the mop. She knew there were towels for the baptisms. It shouldn't be a difficult find.

But upon turning the corner she was struck by a very odd sense of Déjà vu. The door to that office was slightly ajar and the light was on. Though it was silent this time. Nothing to fear and she suspected the supplies were probably in a closet in the office.

Pushing the door open she stepped inside and smiled upon her correct assumption that yes, there was a closet door there. Easy. She made her way across the office and pulled the little door open, finding rows of towels.  
  
She was pleased. At first, but then the door slammed behind her however and she knew that it couldn't possibly have been the wind blowing it shut. That someone was in here with her. A creepy sort of feeling started to inch up her spine bump by bump and she turned to confirm her worst fears.

Snoke stood there in the darkened corner behind the door.

"I was hoping for Benjamin', but I suppose you'll have to do." He spoke and slowly stalked towards her.

"What are you doing here?"

"I heard my boy had asked for approval from the Vatican to marry... I'm afraid I have quite the problem with that. You see... he belongs to me. I need to teach him a lesson... however... I think... teaching the lesson through you will be so much more satisfying."

"Sod off. If you think I'm going to let you hurt Ben you've got another thing coming." Rey absolutely refused to back down and let this man try to intimidate her. She refused to let him do anything that was going to hurt Ben. She wasn't small anymore and age had done Snoke no favors.

Snoke lunged at her and managing to shove her into the desk hard enough that the edge jammed into her thighs painfully. She held her breath so as not to cry out, because she would not give him the satisfaction of allowing him to know he had been able to inflict any kind of hurt. At this close range she caught a whiff of his rotten breath. It made her sick to the stomach almost immediately, but more than that being pressed up against the old wooden desk Rey came to the sudden epiphany of why the smell of oak made Ben sick to his stomach.

"Stop fighting!" Snoke demeaned.

"Not so easy when it's not a little child is it?" She spat. 

Sickening bastard that he was he tried to drop his hand down to get under her skirt, but having taken his hand away she was able to reach up and rake her fingernails down his face, unfortunately just missing his eye which she had been aiming for in the struggle. Still it was enough for Snoke to cry and let out a string of curses.  
  
"Hold still. Be a good little girl and just behave yourself... save your soul... obey me!" 

The door twisted and caught both their attention. It opened up to reveal Ben and maybe somewhere in the back of her mind maybe she would have thought it was ironic that their situations were reversed from the first time they met, but instead everyone seemed to have just... frozen in that moment. Snoke used her distraction to shove her head back hard enough against the desk that the entire world seemed to have turned upside down and spun around in the worst case of vertigo she had ever had.

If he had done it to piss Ben off he has been successful, because in that moment Ben charged across the room, slammed into Snoke and tackled him into the wall so hard that there was a loud, sickening crack when he connected with it.

Snoke was raised an arm to try to protect his face, but that didn't matter. Ben just shoved his arm out of the way and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt to hold him in place as he drew his fist back and struck him in the face. Yet another crack and Snoke's nose was absolutely broken to pieces from the blow. That didn't seem to matter... it didn't seem to stop Ben.  
  
He kept hitting him... and hitting him and then finally he grabbed his shirt with both hands. 

"You don't get to touch her! Do you hear me? You don't ever get to touch her!" Ben screamed into Snoke's face. "I hate you! I hate you so much... I hate you so fucking much!"

There was an anger in Ben that had perhaps always been there, but now had come to the surface after all this time. Really come to the surface.

"Benjamin... please... stop..." 

"I begged you to stop... you didn't stop... you never stopped... all those filthy... disgusting things that you did to me..." Ben switched from punching him to wrapping his hands around Snoke's throat and squeezing. He wanted to watch the life leave Snoke's eyes. "All the times I had to clean the blood out of my pants so my mother didn't find out. I HATE you... so damn much..."

He knew somewhere in his mind he must have looked like an animal... the wildness in his eyes... the way he was frothing at the mouth as he squeezed Snoke's throat even tighter and wondered if he could break his neck just from that.

Something stopped him. Perhaps in that moment Snoke thought that it was his conscience that stopped him. It wasn't. Ben reached up to tug the white clerical collar out of his shirt and gently set it aside. A silent promise to Snoke that what he was about to do would not be a priestly thing. 

"I think you've broken my back... I can't move my legs..." Snoke tried desperately to say something. To do anything. To arouse any sympathy he could get. Make any excuse that he could. As all evil men did when trapped. "You... you were my special boy... have you forgotten?"

"No... I remember _everything_." Ben slowly stood up and stared down at Snoke. It struck him in that moment how things had changed. He was not a little boy and age have not been kind to Snoke. He had shrunk. He was small. Old. Pathetic. "Do you feel helpless? So did I."

"Ben!" 

He grabbed Snoke by the back of the shirt and started to drag him. Which was fairly easy, because this time he was the one that was bigger. He was the one with all the power and he was finally going to make this monster pay for all the things that he had done. To him. To other boys... and his attempt at doing the same to Rey. It could not go unpunished.

"Where are you taking me?" Snoke started to panic and tried to pry Ben's hand out of his shirt, but his attempts were useless. 

Ben continued on and out the back door, kicking it aside and dragging Snoke along through the graveyard to the crematorium chapel. 

It wasn't locked. The door was open and he shoved that right aside as well and continued to drag Snoke across the rough, red carpet and towards the crematory.

"What are you doing? Benjamin... you have to think this through..."

Ben pushed his fist down on the little switch that opened the door to the crematory and then lifted Snoke and slammed him down onto conveyor belt. Another switch and the belt switched on, rolling Snoke slowly forward and inside of the machine. 

"You're bluffing. You wouldn't." Snoke continued on with his pathetic babbling. Once he was fully inside the door closed and Snoke's panic only increased. "Think about this... you have to think about what you're doing."

"I've thought about it a lot." Ben assured him and turned towards the switch on the wall.

"Let me out! Let me out of here! You can't burn me!" Snoke began to bang his fist on the heavy duty glass, but there was no hope. It was time to switch tactics. "Ben... Benjamin remember... in Romans 12 Paul says: “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay,’"

Ben inhaled deeply and slowly moved to stare into the crematory, locked eyes with Snoke and looked over just how pathetic and helpless this man was. 

"Even the devil can quote scripture to suit his own purposes." With those final words to Snoke Ben slammed a hand down on the button and there was a clicking, a timer and suddenly a jet-engine like column of flame came down from the top of the crematory right onto him. "Burn in hell."

Snoke's screams were muffled under the heavy roar of flames and behind the glass, but they were cut short as his throat was sealed shut by the flame. The intensity of the heat dried Snoke's body. His skin became waxy, discolored, blistered and finally split. Then the muscle began to char, flexing and extending his limbs as it tightened.

The only thing that took his eyes away was the sound of the doors and running footsteps that had him turning around. 

For a moment he thought he was caught, but it was only Rey and as she got closer he quickly took a step forward and grabbed her, pulled her head into his chest and kept her from seeing the horrible sight inside of that incinerator.

"Don't look..." 

"Ben... what did you do?" 

"What I had to." He answered, because he knew that he had absolutely no other choice. "I could have reported him, but do you know what would have happened? Even if they believed me... if they believed us... he'd get a slap on the wrist... and he would be transferred to another church with a clean slate to do it to others. I couldn't let it happen."

"I know..." Rey slowly reached up and grabbed onto his shirt, just held tightly and didn't dare look beyond him. "You have to tell Luke."

"I know." He repeated, because he was fully well aware of this. "Look away."

Ben turned and picked up a rake, opened up the door and stuck it inside to rake over Snoke's body to make sure that it would be good and burned. As he did so Snoke's eyeballs spilled from his skull and he grimaced. He should have waited a bit longer before he had raked him.

Once this was done he set it aside and closed the door then gestured towards the exit. It was time. It was time to tell Luke everything.

Rey watched as Ben strode out ahead of her and she tried to keep her balance as she made her way behind him. It was too late to stop him. She knew Snoke deserved to die for what he had done, but she didn't want to see Ben go to prison for this.

"Do you... feel any better?" She asked softly as they crossed the graveyard back into the cathedral. 

"No." He answered. 

They slowed the closer they got to Luke's office and finally came to a stop right there in front of it. Ben took a long, deep breath and pushed the door open and Rey stayed there outside of it because this was not her's to tell. Not her's to listen in on.

The two men spoke in hushed tones and then both sat down and continued to speak at lengths. For how long she didn't know, but she did see the way that Luke stood up so fast that his chair fell and he made his way around the desk to embrace Ben.

"I'm so sorry.... Ben... I'm so sorry." Luke's voice was perhaps the most mournful thing she had ever heard in her life. "I should have know. I should have known. I'm going to take care of everything."

She stepped away from the door so that she did not hear anything else, because this conversation was not for her. Somehow... despite what had happened she had a feeling that she could not describe, but it was something that told her that everything was going to be alright now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fell in the well  
Church rang a bell  
Lost in the flames, such a shame 
> 
> Here be monsters again 
> 
> Brain wash the weak  
Join up the clique  
Overcome by peer pressure turn the other cheek  
Lost in the flames, such a shame 
> 
> Here be monsters again
> 
> And they roam the land so free  
And they look like you and me
> 
> Here Be Monsters - Ed Harcourt  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4nKCOq2EI0
> 
> A/N: This is the end. However there will be an epilogue. I hope Snoke's hellfire ending was satisfying. Have no fear... there will be a HEA. Life is too sad to make fiction sad too.


	12. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: awkward love scene

The seasons came and went into another December. Nothing ever came of what had happened to Snoke. Luke told Ben that he could not break the Seal of Confession and that his confession of everything that had happened with Snoke was safe with him, but that he felt Ben needed to take some more time off. And there was still a matter of penance because he had still committed murder.

Penance? Taking time off? That wasn't the hard part. The hardest part hard been telling his mother, but when he did Rey thought that Ben looked as if he had taken the weight of the world off his shoulders even if it was perhaps the most painful thing that his mother had ever had to endure.

Leia encouraged the both of them to take time off away from Moab. To get to see the world and even offered to support the entire trip. Ben argued about taking his mother's money, but she was so insistent and maybe used a little mother guilt to get him to go and enjoy himself for once. So the decision was eventually made that they would travel the country in the Falcon. 

There were a lot of things that they both wanted to see. Ben even decided that he wanted to work on a career as an artist. To pursue what he had always dreamed of. They would be leaving tonight once her shift finished.

"Child, if you're ready to go then go. It's a slow enough night. I can handle things from here." Maz sighed, setting her hands on her hips. "That boy must really put the 'dic' in Benedict to have you so eager..."

"Maz!" Rey gave something of a nervous smile and pressed a had over her eyes. Honestly sometimes she couldn't believe the things that came out of that woman's mouth. "Are you sure you want me to go early?"

"Absolutely. I want you out." Maz smiled at her and waved for her to go ahead and so she removed her apron and handed it over. "Don't worry about anything. I'll have Rose here. just enjoy your vacation."

"I will." She promised, because that was all that she could offer Maz that would make her happy. 

Taking her coat she pulled it on tightly and stepped out into the cold of the night. It was beautiful out tonight. A light snow falling and the air had that muffled quality to it that made each crunch of snow under her shoes that much more prominent. 

Down at the very end of the parking lot on the other side of the street was Ben's car and she paused when she saw it. Smiled and shook her head. She wondered how long he had been waiting for her and if it had been long, but she supposed that he was just as eager to start this journey with her.

Ben held that warm smile of his as he stuffed his hands into his pockets in attempt to kept them warm as he began to cross to street.

An engine roared and she looked over to see a motorcycle speeding down the street with two people riding by... and it slowed as it came close and the rider on the back raised a baseball bat, slammed into into the back of Ben's skull as they sped past him.

It sent him down instantly. Everything seemed like it stopped in that moment and Rey took a step forward impulsively, but at the same time she was so shocked.

The bike stopped and the rider flipped his visor up and spat at Ben. 

"Fucking priest!" Hux spat from underneath and then they sped off as quickly as they could.

Rey rushed forward across the street, slipping on the snow as she dropped to kneel next to Ben and reached out so carefully... as carefully as she could and pulled his head very gently into her lap.

"Ben?" For a moment he didn't move or stir, but then finally, slowly opened his eyes and looked up at her. His throat moved as he swallowed and then seemed to try to understand what had happened.

"Are you an angel...?" He asked softly.

She didn't know what to say to him. She didn't know if he knew where he was... who he was or even who she was. If it was permanent or temporary... he had been hit so hard. She reached up to brush his hair back, white flakes of snow contrasting with black strands and when she got around to the back she felt a wet warmth. 

Her hand came away with blood and she glanced back over her shoulder, about to yell for help when she saw Maz standing there in the doorway of the dinner. No words needed to be said because Maz hurried back inside to the phone in the back.

"You're going to be alright, Ben. Everything is going to be just fine." She promised him, but despite her promise she didn't know. She didn't know if he was going to be alright. Her fears worsened and she felt a tight clenching of her gut as he closed his eyes without opening her... and she realized that she had never been so terrified in all of her life. "Ben? Ben? Don't go to sleep. You can't go to sleep. You need to wake up."

* * *

Gasping for breath Rey sat up, holding her chest to try to slow the terrified pound of her heart in her chest.

Just a dream. Just a nightmare.

It came and went that nightmare. It had been the worst night of her life and she found herself turning towards the other side of the bed, reaching out in the darkness.

"Oww..." The breath came in the darkness and she felt a strong hand reach back to take hers away from the back of his head. "That still hurts you know..."

"Sorry..." For just a moment she had been so panicked and she needed to know that he was alright. That he was still here with her. 

He sighed in the darkness and the mattress creaked under his weight as he sat up and lifted the curtain away from the window to reveal the sun was just rising in the sky. It was the first time in his life he had to sleep without the TV on, because after what happened he needed darkness at night because he would get migraines. 

But he insisted that it was alright because she was there by his side at night and that was all that he needed to feel alright if he had one of his own nightmares.

"Come here..." He urged and she didn't hesitate to move into his arms. It was always the most comforting thing. As if the only thing that she needed was to be held by him and everything was right in the world no matter how bad she had been feeling before. 

"You give the best hugs." She mumbled into his chest with a sigh and then he felt the rumble of his laughter within.

"Do I?" He sighed and rested his chin on top of her head for a moment or two before finally pulling back slightly. "We should get going."

She was reluctant to let go of him, but she did with something of a pout and then watched him stretch himself out. Ben was a big man, but he always seemed so much larger when he stretched himself out when he woke up in the morning, groaning like a grizzly bear.

Though her gaze inadvertently dropped down and she cursed him for those sweatpants. Maz was right... he really did put the 'dic' in Benedict. He didn't often wake up like that, but he'd told her before it was just because his bladder was full and not necessarily that he was in that kind of a mood. That she didn't need to worry about it.

However she still found herself reaching out to catch him by the shirt and pulled him back closer towards the bed. It made him stumble a little as he didn't expect it, but he did stand at the edge of the bed, looking somewhat sleepy still and most definitely confused.

She pushed his shirt up with one hand and leaned in to press a few gentle kiss along his abdomen, felt more than heard a little puff of breath leave him in response and then the way that his hand came down to brush through her hair gently. Always gentle. 

"Lie back..." He asked, putting one knee up onto the bed and inching closer to her, which made her smile and shake her head as she scooted backwards. 

"I thought you wanted to make it across the country within a reasonable time frame?" It was next on their visit list, but they tended to keep getting distracted by detours and interesting things along the road. It had been quite the trip so far. 

"Would you let me try again?" His question caught her a little off guard, but she nodded understanding of what he meant, because she wasn't ever going to tell Ben no when it came to this. He had been trying... even if those attempts had not gotten much further.

It was slow going to heal, but he didn't cry anymore when he was too scared to continue. He still had his nightmares, but fewer. Things didn't seem to be nearly as bad as they had... it had just taken a long time to reach that point. And he wasn't completely healed even yet. Maybe he would never completely heal, but he was getting better every day.

When he leaned in and kissed her she smiled slightly, reaching up a hand into his hair to try to smooth it down. It was one of those very rare times she saw him with his hair so messed up because Ben Solo was very particular about his hair. 

"Just promise me you won't push yourself." She pleaded with him as he broke from the kiss to start trailing them down along her cheek and the side of her neck instead. The last thing that she wanted was for him to go through a day of upset when they were supposed to be enjoying this vacation.   
  
He had to gather up his books and art supplies and gently place them aside, having fallen asleep with them on the bed while working on one of his more recent graphic novels, but he wasn't gone long. He returned to her fairly quickly and if there was one thing that he was good at it was this. The way he pressed kisses under her jaw, short little licks up along the side of her neck and brief grazes of teeth on skin... it always had her leaning her face to the side to give him more room.

"I love you." She felt and heard the breathy whisper into her ear and smiled, reaching a hand up to thread fingers through his hair with gentle affection.

"I love you too." Placing a hand on his chest she felt the heavy pound of his heart and wondered if it was from excitement or fear.

He let out a shaky breath and pressed her -his technically she just stole it to sleep in- shirt up her stomach, leaning down to press several kisses there, tracing between each rib with gentle brushes of his mouth. It felt nice, but he was still shaking and she didn't think he would make it too much further.

A little rumble of thunder distracted him and he sat up to close the window enough to keep it from pouring in, but left it open enough to allow the clean smell of rain filter through. 

She looked up at him for a moment and really just took him in. Everything about him... this was the man that taught her how to play piano in the chapel when she was thirteen... this was the man that taught her how to ice skate when she was sixteen... this was the man that had taken care of her and loved her in a way that nobody else ever had. It made her certain that there wasn't anyone else she would rather be doing this with.

Even more so when he turned on the TV to some random fireplace channel and she dropped her head back into the pillow and tried not to laugh when he gave her that cheeky smile of his. 

"Does that make it more romantic?"

"Did you want to stop and add candles and rose petals?" She did tease him a little for making an attempt at this being something romantic. Except that wasn't even necessary... she only needed him for it to be that very thing.

"If you ask me to."

The funny thing was... she knew that he would. He would drop everything and do all of that for her if she just asked him to. That was just how much she meant to him. A love like this only came around once in a life time. She knew that she was lucky to have found it. Not everyone did.

He moved and lifted his shirt to slowly pull it off and toss it off to the side and then reaching down the the edge of hers -also his- to help her out of it slowly and once that was off and out of the way he slowly leaned down to rest against her... to feel her skin against his. It was a little awkward to accommodate him because of how absolutely huge Ben was. She supposed she hadn't really put that much thought into how difficult it would be to let someone so big rest between her thighs without spreading her out in a way that almost boarded on uncomfortable.

However the gentle brushes of his mouth along her shoulder brought her attention back to him and then she reached down for his sweatpants, pressed her fingers against the hem and pushed down past his hipbone on one side which seemed to prompt him to help her out by pushing them down the rest of the way for her... he did not however push them off completely and she sort of understood why he might feel a little uncomfortable doing so.

She definitely felt the brush of him against her and looked up towards his face, because this was usually the part where he completely panicked. Instead this time he was looking off to the side. It made her wonder what was running through his head.

When he looked back at her to meet his gaze she realized the determination in his eyes. It made her feel a little nervous in ways that she hadn't before as he pressed forward.

They both gasped then. For completely different reasons. Ben was massive in more ways than one and she bit her lip to fight against a grimace. She couldn't show any pain because if Ben thought he was hurting her for even a second he was going to stop and they would never get this close ever again. That would be the end. He wouldn't try it anymore.

So she placed her hands against his lower back to encourage them. Felt the flex of muscles there as he very slowly and carefully worked his way into her deeper with each one. While it stung it still amazed her how careful and gentle he was still trying to be with her even now... even when he let out little exhales to express his pleasure and clearly wanted more than just tentative little thrusts.

Except he was shaking again and glancing off somewhere to the side. Looking sort of far away in that moment. She knew that look. He was moments away from panicking and she needed to bring him back.

"Ben..." She reached up to his face and turned him back towards her. "Look at me. It's just us now."

That caught his attention and his eyes softened when he looked at her, searched her face and then slowly leaned down onto his elbows so he could be closer to her. He came right back to her. Right where he should be.

"I know it hurts." He informed her and she cringed openly, because she was certain that he was going to stop and give up trying completely. Except he didn't. "You're too tense. Relax... relax..."

His words made her realized that she was tense. Funny. How had she not noticed? She took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. He had been right of course... relaxing had helped and the pain didn't last.  
  
It faded so she nodded at him to let him know that it had, but even then it still felt kind of awkward to be so full of him. She ignored it for his sake, because while he was subtle in expressing his pleasure he was still most definitely expressing it. In the heavy, breathy exhale of her name against her throat when he felt something particularly good and the way that he changed the angle and the pace periodically, trying to discover what it was that he liked the most.

But the low tippy tap click of nails across the floor caught her attention and then a quiet swishing of a very fluffy tail against the door frame had her glancing over towards the side of the bed only to see Chewie staring at them.

"Chewie... go away..." He breathed.

"He can stay." 

"No... he can't..." He manged between breaths. "I feel like he's judging me..."

The dog could probably care less what they were doing together and it was silly to worry, but... 

"Chewie... out. Go on." It seemed Chewie listened to her a lot better than he did Ben because his tail stopped wagging and he honestly looked a little upset before retreating.

Ben waited for a moment for him to have retreated entirely from the bedroom to continue from where they had left off. He was still gentle with her even still and there was a moment when she realized that he was so gentle, because he knew better than anyone what it was like to be hurt in this way. That thought broke her heart, but it also made her even more determined to just let him enjoy this. 

The rain outside picked up and she gently stroked her fingers through his hair and just enjoyed the closeness as she listened to the various sounds around them. The wind... the patter of the rain... the occasional rumble of thunder and most prominent happening to be the slow creak of the old mattress under them with each slow movement which would have been utterly embarrassing if anyone else were around.

"Rey, you feel so good..." His breathing was uneven and she watched his throat move as he swallowed, seeming to be more nervous about the next part of what he had to say. "Is it not good for you?"

"It's fine. I want you to enjoy it... just enjoy it." She wasn't lying. It was alright if she didn't reach any sort of finish with him. 

"Well I'm not enjoying it if you're not. I don't even want to be doing this at all if you're not getting anything out of it." Ben huffed out. "Here... just let me..."

She wasn't sure what he was doing, but she realized too late when he started to pull back from her.

"No, no, no don't-" Except he did before she even finished what she was saying and she dropped her head back into the pillow with a sigh, because she wished that he would just be selfish for once. "What... are you doing?"

She watched him grab one of the pillows and a marker. What in the world did he need those things for?

"We're not going to want to sleep on this one anymore... I want to be able to tell it apart."

"Please don't write sex pillow on it..." Rey requested, dreading if anyone ever happened to come in and see something like that. The utterly devilish grin on his face when she said it made her worry, but he held it up and showed a black check mark on it and she relaxed a little.

"Lift..." He placed a hand under her hips and then pressed the pillow under before he settled himself back between her thighs and started to press forward again. It was a lot easier to take him this time, but getting her thighs around his body wasn't any easier. However she felt like maybe it made it better that he was so big and spread her out so far, because maybe that honestly made it better?

And she admitted... he was right. The pillow made it much better.

All awkwardness forgotten she was definitely feeling it. She didn't know why such a small thing made such a different, but perhaps a change in the mood. The fact that he was smiling a little and seemed... alright instead of terrified made it that much better.  
  
He pressed his mouth over hers rather abruptly, gently stroked his fingers over her cheek as his pace increased and it was good... it was so good... absolutely amazing. She hadn't ever imagined that it could be this way. Maybe it was just felt as good as it did because it was Ben and she loved him so much.

It was perhaps more urgent, but still gentle. Always gentle and his kisses trailed from her mouth down along her cheek and the side of her neck. She'd love to do the same to him, but he wasn't in the right position for her to reach.

But that was alright... she could still wrap her arms around his neck, touch his back, thread her fingers in his hair. He seemed equally inclined to touch wherever he could reach, gently brushing a hand up her thigh, up over her side... until she reacted to a particularly good feeling by bringing her knee up suddenly. Too suddenly because she accidentally rammed it into his ribs, heard his pained grunt and then his soft laugh.

"Sorry..." She breathed out, but he only answered with a shake of his head and another gentle kiss.  
  
"S'okay." He muttered. Though soon his breathing changed. He made a different sort of sound as his hips jerked up into hers as if he was trying to reach up into her as far as he could and then she felt a spray of warmth... heard the way he groaned, deep and gruff before his mouth was on hers and he was kissing her desperately.

It was a combination of that warmth deep inside and the sound of his groan that just did something to her. That had her seeing stars. She used to think the phrase 'seeing stars' was nonsense... something only in stupid, cheesy romance holo... but it had just happened and now she would never question again.

She sort of came back to herself after... became away of the warm weight of his body over hers and his breath against her neck where he had buried his face once more. What was more... she could feel his heart. It was right there. So close to hers. Beating right beside one another and nothing had ever felt so right in all her life.

He made another sound. Shook with it and for a moment she was terrified that he was having a moment. That he was about to break, but she soon realized his chest was rumbling with quiet laughter and not sobs. It made her smile and laugh a little bit herself, because there weren't words to describe just how good that was and the only thing to really do was to laugh. She understood completely why he was laughing.  
  


"That was... I didn't know it could be like that..." He sat up very slowly he reached for his discarded shirt and then dropped it between them to clean her up a little and then discarding both that and the incriminating pillow. He was still taking care of her... even now. She absolutely loved this man.

He dropped down next to her and quickly gathered up the blankets to pull them up around the both of them and then pulling her closer. Like he needed to hold her, but she didn't blame him, because she needed that too. Now more than ever.

"Thank you..." He breathed out after a moment.

"For what...?" She was a little thrown, not quite sure what in the world he could be thanking her for. For sleeping with him? She had wanted to do that.

"For trusting me enough to let me inside of you." His words shocked her for a moment because she never considered a man would even be thankful, but she understood where they came from and if she was honest it was endearing in it's own way.

"Ben... I love you." She lifted a hand and gently stroked her fingertips over his chin. It should be obvious, but there was no other reason she had trusted him that much than that.

"I know." He took a deep breath and slowly closed his eyes. "I take it back... just a little more sleep and then we can get onto a timely scheduled."

They are a long trip ahead of them yet, but for now there under the blankets with the gentle storm outside they were safe and warm and content. The world could wait just a little longer... except... perhaps Chewie who bounded down the hall at top speed and jumped up onto the foot of the bed to join in the cuddles. 

Right. The rest of the world aside from Chewie could wait just a little longer.

* * *

"What about that one?" Ben questioned from the driver's seat, gesturing with two fingers off the steering wheel towards a sign.

"No. Absolutely not." Rey shook her head, gently stroking her fingers through Chewie's fur while he rested his head on her lap. He was almost as desperate for her attention as Ben had been lately... and he had been since they finally got past his discomfort. Not that she minded... they were both definitely getting better at it.

"You're telling me... you don't... want to see the world's largest ball of yarn?" He smiled slightly. "Mmm... what about Betsy the Lobster?"

"Ben, no." She tried to be serious herself, but couldn't keep the smile off her face any more than he could his. They weren't headed anywhere particular. Just seeing where the wind took them. It had done him a lot of good. He wasn't healed... he still had his moments, but he was doing so much better.

"What about... the largest frying pan... it's food paraphernalia... you would like that."

"Did the words 'food paraphernalia' really come out of your mouth just now?" Rey decided that taking this vacation was the best decision that they had ever made. "Do you want to see any of those things, Ben?"

He shrugged a little bit. 

"I don't care where we go. As long as I'm with you nothing else matters." As he spoke Chewie's tail wagged and he turned around to place his chin on Ben's knee now as he had been before with Rey.

"You're right. It doesn't matter. You are my home." When she said it he glanced at her just for a moment, gave her another gentle little smile and then patted Chewie's head as he brought his eyes back to the road.

"Well... in that case..." He took a turn down that road. "Let's have a look at that giant ball of yarn and get lunch."

"Sounds good." She laughed quietly and felt Chewie switch laps again once he realized that Ben's hands were far too busy to be petting him. "Lunch sounds good right, Chewie?"

They truly did have everything they could ever need right here. And it was good. Life was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow... so... RoS, huh? I don't... have any words honestly. I had this written and ready, but then I saw the movie and couldn't bring myself to post this for the longest time. I almost didn't even want to. Upon further digestion of that... whatever that was... it could have been worse? At least it was open ended so we can imagine it has the happy ending we wanted.
> 
> Normally I do a lot of editing after writing a chapter, but I can't bring myself to after the monstrosity. So this may be my worst chapter yet.
> 
> But wow this story sure would have gone so differently though if Snoke is Palpatine and Rey found out her grandfather was the one doing those terrible things to Ben. What a concept.


End file.
